.:penulis paling tidak konsisten dalam dunia:.

Ketentuan

2012-01-25T07:20:00.001+08:00

Ketentuan adalah apabila:

1. External Hard Drive tiba-tiba kaput, sekaligus mengarwahkan SEMUA koleksi muzik, gambar dari tahun 2007, vector, benda-benda scrapbooking, portfolio moonlighting berserta semua design yang pernah dibuat. Dan tidak ada backup sebab backup dah kaput terlebih dahulu,

2. Dalam keghairahan mendownload game di telefon, telah tanpa sengaja memadam SEMUA mesej dalam inbox. Ya, beribu mesej berserta semua mms indah dan bukti komunikasi gedik dengan ehem ehem, bekas cinta semusim di masa lampau.

Takpe beb, kental beb.
Kita tunggu lagi dua tiga hari sebelum kita menggila.

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1997 holla!

2012-01-19T08:14:00.003+08:00

Adik-adik,
dulu pagi-pagi, sambil siap nak pergi sekolah, kami tak tengok Keeping Up With The Kardashians. Dulu tak ada Astro. Yang ada pagi-pagi buta cuma Selamat Pagi Malaysia dan Malaysia Hari Ini.

(MHI hai hai haiiiiii)

Instead, kami dengar radio. Back then we had no Bieber, No Katy Perry, no Wiz Kahlifa.

What we had, was awesome coolness!

Someday, when I'm awfully 'lone

2012-01-18T21:54:00.001+08:00

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snip

2012-01-15T12:36:00.002+08:00

For a gal, a haircut is like a semi-permanent accessory.
For the corporate woman, a haircut makes you or breaks you.

I'm right now in pieces all over the floor.

Rupa aku dah macam jantan dah.
Siot punya hairdresser.

UPDATE:
Went to touch up the hair, I don't look like jantan anymore hehe

Been with new hair for more than a day.
Ok. Happy.

I now look like the bespectacled version of Kelly Osbourne.
Without the perfect complexion. Or fab clothes. Or skinny legs.

Ok fine, I look nothing like Kelly Osbourne. Eli Osbon je lah ek bwahahhaahahahah:P

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kenangan zaman dulu

2012-01-13T20:52:00.001+08:00

Tiba-tiba je rasa macam nak beli benda ni kat mamak roti. Sungguh nostalgik.

Yang penting, barang-barang ada! Kau hado?

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DF

2012-01-12T15:23:00.003+08:00

Yup, that's me!

Pen, paper and a loaded gun

2012-01-11T01:13:00.000+08:00

I've hit a wall again.

That wall I thought I had cleared myself off early last year. It's back, and this time it is taller than ever. No way around it as well.

You know, once in a while you will come to a point where you become static and stagnant. If you are lucky, you will realize that it is time to change your views and practices, and to seek new experiences that might spur your soul back to productivity.

I guess I was lucky last year for getting such wake up call. When I decided to plunge headfirst into a new world, I thought, why not move to a world that is more 'mature', more adult, more reliable. Stop being a bum and for once do the right thing an adult would do.

I told myself to start afresh. I must be open and I must give the new environment a chance. I shall not compare my comfy old world with the new, unknown word and I must persevere. Even if things get hard, I will see it as a learning experience and an enrichment process.

I promised myself a year. One year of patience, postitivity and optimistic outlook. I did just that.

It's almost a year.

No, it's not that bad. It's actually quite enlightening. It has unearthed a different side of me, and I had the chance to do so many things that I did not think I could do before. I also found some major shortcomings from my side... being in a new dimension often project new things... or in this case old habits that I did not know existed. This new world has also opened certain doors for me. Alhamdulillah the move brought many positive changes in both my personal and work life.

But is it fulfilling? Am I passionate about it? Is this the food for my soul?
That, I'm not too sure.

What I do know is that I feel a big decision is coming soon.

Being thankful for your awesomeness

2012-01-10T11:55:00.004+08:00

Whenever I feel shitty, I need only to think of all the awesome friends I've met and made throughout my 29 years on earth and I'm instantly happy.

The touch and gos
The lost ones
The always at the back of my mind ones
The once physically close now FB close ones
The periodical ones

and most of all,

the one that sticks thru thick and thin, faring thru stormy weathers and joyful moments.

I love each and every one of you.
Thank you for being a part of my life.

Reflections

2012-01-10T07:38:00.008+08:00

There I was, sitting at the bus stand waiting for my father to pick me up.

It was almost 11 at night. 2 benches away, a man twiddles his fingers.

He sat alone, waiting for a taxi, perhaps. The stand was deserted and he looked like he's been there for a while.

Young but weary. His body rests tiredly against the billboard back of the stand. Tie askewed, sleeves rolled up, hair a little mussed. He looked no better than me. It must've been a long day for him too.

He caught me looking at him, and his eyebrow shot up in question. Caught redhanded, I immediately looked away, pretending that I was looking around instead of at him. I heard him sigh.

"Excuse me, pukul berapa sekarang?" he said, his voice a deep, soft timbre.

I took a few seconds to reply. Hoenstly, I didn't feel like talking to him. It was a tiring day for me and things didn't go as well as I thought it would at work. My personal life sucks as well. All I wanted to do was go home, crash on the bed and slip into oblivion for the next week or so. But there was no way I could pretend I didn't hear him. I didn't want to be percieved as rude.

"Almost 11," I said, smiling a little. Looking down at my shoes. Hoping he would get back to his own thoughts.

No such luck. "Dah malam camni baru balik kerja?"

He looked lonely. I didn't want to reply, but I did, anyway. "Yeah. Tadi singgah gym dulu. De-stress."

He smiled. "I used to go to the gym too. Bila marah kat boss je, pergi gym. Lari sejam dua, buat weights. Lagi susah nak pull the weight, lagi cepat sakit hati I melt away."

I could relate. I did feel shittier when I left the office, even thought of bingeing on sushi and ice-cream just for the heck of it. But I peservered and went to the gym instead, sweat the hate out. It didn't wipe away all of the distaste in my mouth, but it sure helped. I no longer feel like strangling a particular person at work.

"Work sucks, huh? What's new..."

He smiled back at me, nodding slightly. "Ten years ago... I was like you. Work is my only world," he said, surprising me a little. "You single lagi kan?"

"Err, ak'ah." I didn't know what to say. How did he guess? It was getting uncomfortable, talking about work, being single, and things implied by what and how I choose to answer his questions. It would've been easier for me if he said something in jest. I am usually very witty, but the mood called for serious talk.

He looked ahead and I could see the mist of remininscence clouding his sight. His smile turned sad. "Masa I graduate dulu, I was so ready for the working world. I had everything planned out - I wanted to work hard, pulun kaw-kaw, kumpul duit. My target was by 30, I would have enough money to buy a car and a house, dah ada kerja yang bagus, dan kahwin, bina keluarga"

"Kerja, kerja, kerja. Takde time untuk benda lain, to be honest I didn't care to take some time out for other stuff, even when I could. Weekends untuk rehat sebab the whole week only my work occupies me. Memang tak ada life. Climbing the corporate ladder was my target."

He sighed.

I dreaded his next words.

"Turns out climbing the corporate ladder was my sole achievement. I missed out on time with friends, pursuing my passion, I couldn't find someone who could take my crazy working schedule and my quirks, and I didn't have the patience to look around. I thought I had found her... well, maybe I did, but I let her go. Pushed her away," he said, his face now a naked book I could read.

Silence.

I didn't know how to comfort him. I was too engrossed in what he said. I saw myself in his words. Work was a mission -- get a good job. Get one that pays enough. Get one that can now pay for a housing loan. Then get one that could help pay the housing loan and study loan. The quest of 'surviving' saw me sacrificing my passion for a 'more secure' job. Something I knew I could do but not necessarily like and want to do for the rest of my life.

Where has that led me? At that moment the truth was hard to evade : I was a walking, talking mediocre corporate puppet. A lonely one at that too. Most of my friends have found love in things they do and people they are with. I am still searching, and to start looking at this age, with this level of expectations... I don't know if it's still not too late.

His voice disrupts my self-wallowing misery.

"After she left me, I macam tak boleh berfungsi langsung. It was so bad, I begged and begged and begged. In desperation she jested that kalau I nak kawen dengan dia, she wants 100,000 duit hantaran. You know what, I pun memang desperate gila masa tu, I did it."

"I sold off my car, and got about 70k. Then I dug out my savings and managed to get the RM100,000. I pergi la rumah dia dengan rombongan merisik," his voice turning excited.

The excitement was short lived with his next few words. "Turns out dia bakal kahwin dengan orang lain. Her parents mintak maaf gila-gila kat my uncle and aunty yang pergi merisik sebab anak dia buat macam tu kat I. I later got to know that the other guy married her for a mere 10k. She didn't want me, she just wanted to set an impossible mark so I would stop. Bodoh betul I."

I was stunned. Before I could stop myself, I said "Macam Sultan Mahmud, ketagih cinta Puteri Gunung Ledang."

He laughed loud and hard and it rambled on. It spooked me a bit. I wanted to join in to ease his obviously strained laughter but I knew that my words were insensitive and just plain dumb. I kept quiet.

He was wiping tears from his eyes when he said "Mama I kata benda yang sama! Kamu ni bodoh macam Sultan Mahmud tu. Nasib baik tak ada anak, kalau tak, mati budak tu kamu kerjakan pasal nak kahwin dengan budak Nora tu."

His laughter subsided and the silent night once again enveloped us. He kept pretty much to himself, and I drifted away with my own thoughts. I only realized that he was saying something to me when I saw him standing in front of me, about to enter a taxi.

"You know what I'm going to do tomorrow?" he said, face streaked with dried up tears.

"I am going to quit my job. I nak jual my house, I nak move away from KL. I think I taknak kerja in the corporate world lagi. Biar lah I kais pagi makan pagi, asalkan I jumpa diri I yang dah lama terkambus ni."

I couldn't say a word. He was verbalizing what I had been contemplating for a while now. It was beginning to sound pretty surreal to me.

As he stepped into the taxi, he gave me a wide, honest smile. "Jangan kerja sampai lupa siapa diri awak. Jangan tunggu 35 tahun baru nak berubah. Awak cari passion awak dan usaha towards that. It's the only way. The corporate world will only suck you dry and leave you to die. They don't give a fuck."

"Have a great life," he said, closed the door, and within seconds the taxi sped away.

I sat alone, stunned by the short, awkward conversation I just had.

God, if that ain't a mirror from the heavens above, I don't know what it is.

Wallahualam.

Monkey Bars

2012-01-07T23:22:00.000+08:00

Layan seafood di Jeram, Kuala Selangor. Kemudian naik sampan, layan tengok kelip-kelip kat sungai Kampung Kuantan.

Ringkas tapi menggembirakan.

Thanks kawan kawan.

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You are more perfect

2012-01-06T07:43:00.008+08:00

He asked me if I would show unbridled passion when we are finally together.

I couldn't give him an answer.

Still very much afraid.

Still have my huge reservations.

Still have self-esteem issues.

In the third second mark, I heard his heart crack and fell into pieces.

It's okay, he said.

I understand.

Don't worry.

He looked okay.

But in his jestfulness I saw a mirror of me, not so long ago.

I prayed to god that he doesn't become another me.

Buang air mata

2012-01-03T08:04:00.006+08:00

Ok ok.

Akhirnya aku iyakan aja bila mak dan Eze sibuk ajak tengok Ombak Rindu. Nasib baik dah ada kat Astro First, jadi aku tak lah keluarkan sampai RM60 nak pergi wayang. Tak payah sterika baju, wangi-wangi, mekap, pergi rebut-rebut seat dengan orang, pastu dengar pulak minah tah mana-mana membebel pasal jalan cerita filem tu sebab dia dah 3 kali tengok dan tengok tau kejap lagi kesian sangat kat Izzah bila Haris belasah dia bla bla bla

Tekan butang kat remote, hantar sms, download movie. Dah setel. Boleh tengok 48 jam.
Aku tak nak cerita panjang pasal plot cerita ni, pasal apa yang jadi, pasal real atau tidak storyline dia. Bagi aku benda tu semua kamu boleh tengok sendiri, atau google je. Yang aku nak cerita, adalah tentang hype Ombak Rindu.

I just don't get it.

Biasa je kot. Sure, adaptasi dari novel selalunya memang best. Dan ok, cerita ni tak lah teruk. Cuma entah, aku rasa sederhana saja. Dari review kawan-kawan, semua mengatakan yang cerita ni gila kental tahap menangisnya. Aku rasa air mata aku bergenang dasyat cuma sekali saja, itu pun sebab bila aku tengok Lisa Surihani menangis nak buang cincin kahwin tapi tak jadi tu, aku teringat kat seorang sepupu, membayangkan perasaan dia masa dia dapat tahu yang suami dia kahwin dua. That was it. Aku hati batu ke? I doubt it. Aritu tengok cerita Hindi pasal budak-budak pun aku nangis.

Maya Karin memang cantik. Tak hairanlah pakai tudung pun cantik. Rasanya Azizah Mahzan cantik tak pakai tudung?

Lakonan pulak... ok, camni eh. Maya Karin masih Maya Karin. You get her usual acting style lah. Abang Aaron pun, kita dah tengok lakonan mamat jantan macho terdera oleh cinta ni dalam macam-macam drama. Memang lakonan diorang berkesan dan penjiwaan watak tu ada, tapi ntah. Camtu je la. Lisa Surihani pada aku agak agresif, so boleh la. Azizah Mahzan seperti biasa, bawa watak mak datin bitchy dengan jayanya. Ya Allah, rambut, hazaaabbbbbbb. Teringat rambut Datin Maimon Boboi. Selainnya, jalan cerita samada terlalu choppy atau scene kena delete pasal takde efek langsung. Aku rasa watak makcik ngan pakcik Maya tu tak payah guna pelakon berkaliber pun takpe. Sikit sangat. Impak hancur.

Sepanjang cerita, aku terganggu dengan trasitions dari scene ke scene. Banyaknya efek fade to black. Masa aku belajar dulu, aku pun memang suka gila guna fade to black untuk editing dokumetari, terutamanya untuk music videos yang kental-kental sebab fade to black nampak konklusif. Tapi tak lah guna di setiap scene. Untuk lagu metal memang la ok, tapi untuk cerita cinta rasanya overdose kot.

Paling tak boleh blah, ending cerita yang hadoyai clichenyaaaaaa! Lama pulak tu! Rasanya kalau dia tunjuk sikit je, lepas tu kapal berlayar in the sunset ke lagi best dari dok cakap berjela-jela. Sebaliknya, ada beberapa scene yang aku rasa boleh dipanjangkan untuk bagi impak.

Soundtrack juga sepatutnya lebih menggugat jiwa. Bayangkan scene kena halau keluar rumah dalam hujan lebat -- kalau la soundtrack dia lebih kental, pastu Maya Karin tak la buat muka tabah sangat, kasi aksi jiwa lara sikit, tengah jalan boleh pulak beg berterabur... ade la feel sikit kot.

I think secara purata, cerita ni okay la. I can see why it grossed so high. Memang ter-jerker, especially untuk kita orang Melayu yang tipikal. Tipikal tak salah. Tipikal kadang-kadang adalah formula kejayaan. Cuma tipikal, kalau selalu sangat, jadi blaise. Tawar, tak ada excitement.

Mungkin ada yang rasa ini cerita kampung, sebab itu aku tak suka. Cun pun cerita kampung tapi aku suka je.

Adik aku pula kata aku tak boleh appreciate cerita ni sebab aku tak baca buku dia. Kalau baca baru aku sedih gila. Well, kalau macam tu, filem ni tak berjaya menterjemahkan emosi buku tu lah, kan? If I do read the book and find the story as awesome as everyone is saying it is, then kudos to the writer. Doesn't change much about the movie though. Tugas filem ni adalah untuk memberi visual landscape kepada novel tersebut. Perhaps by trying to stay true to the novel, it had to be a lil choppy. Sayang sungguh.

Walau bagaimana pun, aku menanti saat Salina difilemkan oleh Osman Ali. Yang itu, dengan passion Osman Ali yang bertahun membara, aku pasti, akan jadi yang terbaik dari beliau.

Selamat Tahun Baru!

2011-12-31T22:45:00.000+08:00

Before 30

2011-12-30T15:17:00.009+08:00

I am turning 30 on May 20th, 2012.

Yes, it is a little too late to be making a list of things to do in merely 5 and a half months but I’ve just freakin’ realized that I will soon be at a cornerstone of my life hahah

Looking back, I guess I did some of the things people in their teens and young adults did:

devil may care haircuts (I had shags, lion mane, shaved sides when I was 15, unkempt, tight perms),

fashion disasters (orang trackpants, those jamaikan cotton tops),

indulgences (my hugeeeee collection of cetrom CDs back during my pennyless period),

knacks (hantu kuaci for the longest time)

but to me these things were just me, the were not things I did simply to walk on the 'wild' side, they were just part of growing up. Now that I am so close to another momentous date in my life, I find that although I did do a few things unimaginable to some, I have not done most others.

I have always more or less been the law abiding citizen and the goody two shoes at home. I've never gotten a speeding ticket or thrown in jail, I've never flunked a paper and I definitely have never flashed my boobs, not even anonymously on the net :p

Although I will most probably still not flash my boobs on cam, ever, I am contemplating on finishing some of the things I have always wanted to do but never attempted, or have forgotten to do along the course of life.

This isn't really a last minute thing because I actually do have a mental note list of some sorts, just never physically listed them out. This is a good time to do so, before I turn senile hehhe.

Now, essentially it would be good to have 30 things to complete before I'm 30, but I'll settle for these, especially seing that I have achieved some of them. If I can complete at least half by mid-Feb, I'll add other more to the list.

My list of things to do before I turn 30:

~~1.Own a property~~ ACHIEVED!
I put the down payment for my house three years ago. It was an on the spot thing. When it comes to serious life decisions, I always believe in gut instinct. Alhamdulillah.

2. Live alone
After months of delay, I will most probably be able to complete the minor renovation on my condo by end of January. Hoping to move out by March 2012. I'm thrilled to be living alone. Bloody old to bunking at parent's house, anyway. Exciteddd!

~~3. Lose 10 kilos (from June weigh in) by 30 December 2011~~ ACHIEVED!

4. Lose at least another 10 kilos
Why is this so hardddddd to do now? Sigh. But I did 10 kilos within the span of 6 months, so with strict diet and hard work, I'm sure I can. Now if only my nafsu is not as big as my ambition... hahahaha! Must. Resist. Temptation!

5. Get one last 'unique' haircut
Okay, initially I wrote 'radical haircut' but I had to change it after a talk with the boss during my year end assessment. My very corporate environment doesn't allow funky cuts. Attempting so would be career suicide. Tak sesuaiiiii. Sigh. So it's an unconventional but still acceptable haircut lah.

~~6. Go on a blind date~~ ACHIEVED!
I consider this a biggggg feat because it also happened to be my first meet with an online acquaintance! Hahahaahaha hambik ko. Yes, me, Miss I Never Meet People From The Virtual World got irked so much one day and thought, oh what the heck. Let's just wing it!

Nothing came out of it, but I am awed at the fact that it wasn't that hard lah. I am still vulnerable in certain aspects of it, but I proved to myself that I can achieve anything if I put my mind to it, even meeting strangers hahahaahah

7. Play 5 new complete songs by heart on the guitar
I need to dust off my guitar. Kesian dia..... First song will be Lover You Should Have Come Over by Jeff Buckley. Hoyeah.

8. Cross the 50 mark of AFI's 100 top ten movies
I'm at 23 so far. Another 27 to go. hup hup hup!

9.Volunteer at least 5 times
I'm planning to volunteer at soup kitchens around KL. There's alos shelters and some other places I could go to. Enriching the soul, they say :)

10. Spend one night under the stars
I've done this before, it was awesome and I look forward to do this again. Gives me the perfect excuse to go camping again heheh

11.Wake up early enough to watch the sunrise
This co-relates with point 10 :D

12. Try a Vegan diet for one week
Tried to complete this this week and gagal besar, beb! Hahahahah!
Vegan is so hard to do because apart from animals, you have to also refrain from dairy, egg and produces. So say I want to eat cereal, I can't take it with milk, kena substitute with soy milk. Such a hassle, but if it's easy, it wouldn't be in this list, would it?

13. ~~Buy something expensive that I don’t need~~ ACHIEVED!
Bought a Nikon DSLR in 2009. Lost it early this year. Sighhhhh...

14. Meet at least 5 friends I have not spend much time with for the past 5 years or so
I should've made this my year end resolution, but unfortunately I've been very busy. So carrying this forward in my 30 before 30 list heheehe

15. Go to dinner (or lunch) and a movie by myself
Soon! This can be achieved easily. I just need to find a perfect day to be 'independent' heheh

16. Finish The Devil Wears Prada
No, really! I have only failed to finish 2 books in my life: The Devil Wears Prada and Wuthering Heights. Such whiny books! I don't think I can do wuthering Heights, but I can weather thru Devil Wears Prada. Chayok!

17. Reach azyze.blogspot.com's 1000th post
A big feat considering I don't make regular posts here. And since I can't really commit to writing lenghty posts here, I have started my Lagu Petang Sabtu & Ahad posts to fill in the, er, gaps. And since I've been writing more and more lyrics and poems of late, why not include them? Cheating, perhaps, but who said anything about rules? Hihi!

How's that for resolutions, eh? *Big grin*

Happy new year, sweets!

Selamat Hari Natal, Elves!

2011-12-25T10:20:00.000+08:00

Mahu cari Will Ferrell untuk berduet. Dimanakah? Tapi tak payah dalam bilik air.

Video petang Sabtu 2

2011-12-24T16:11:00.000+08:00

Video petang Sabtu

2011-12-24T15:07:00.000+08:00

Pakcik, saya mahu jadi penemuramah cool macam kamu bila saya dah tua nanti!
(Rooney macam biasa, kepala angin)

Of recent

2011-12-21T12:18:00.001+08:00

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Kuntilanak

2011-12-14T08:17:00.002+08:00

Jezzli978: Awak ni sexi tak?
Blockcarpediem: Ntah.
Jezzli978: Takkan awak tak tahu awak sexi ke tak?
Blockcarpediem: Tak tau. Saya tengok tiap-tiap hari sama je. Biasa je.
Jezzli978: I suke ppuan sexi. Cube gi depan cemin, letak tangan atas pinggang, tengok sexi tak eh tengok awak nampak bres besar tak. pakai bra tak. ade tahi lalat tak
Blockcarpediem: Dude, you need help.

*block user*

Sekali lagi Jeff menyanyi

2011-12-13T21:20:00.001+08:00

Angin meniup ke dalam lohong arteri yang mendamba eskapisme dari rindu merantai. Kamu belum dan mungkin tak akan sampai ke sini.

Cuba teka mesti pandai

2011-12-13T17:44:00.001+08:00

Routine, for now

2011-12-12T16:33:00.003+08:00

Still can't say no to a breakfast with sambal (egg optional). Sigh.

I Am Woman

2011-12-11T22:28:00.001+08:00

I am a woman of curves
Lush and warm
Rich and strong
Tall and true
To the rhythm of my soul

I am a woman of sensuousness
Hands that caress
Legs that wrap
A back that arches to the high heaven
And touch that blooms even the coldest of hearts

I am a confident confidante
Not fidgeted by my flaws
I embrace the uncertainties of life
I chew on the bitter twigs of disappointments
And rise with the nectar of god's possibilities

I am a woman of dreams
Spreading rays of peaceful auroras
Moving mountains with my pen
Changing the landscape of my youth
With wisdom, courage and a willingness to fail

Embrace my curves, my sensuality
My confidence, my dreams
Don't shy away when I speak my mind
Don’t be dwarfed by my outspokenness
Be strong
For the man that deserves me
Is one that never backs down
Who stands in the eye of the storm
Ready to teach me out of my stubbornness
Ready to guide me through a journey that betwixt a million
billion
Euphorias

Be that man
And I will be
A woman, forever yours.

- 12.00pm, 17 August 2011
KWAP

Nothingness on a Friday Night

2011-12-09T23:31:00.001+08:00

What is the youngest age you can remember to?
Three, I think. Vague though.

What sports are you trying out this year?
Started brisk walking. Is that a sport?

Did you wear your hair in a ponytail today?
Yes.

Who do you have on speed dial?
My parents, my siblings, Nurul, Kak Roz and a office colleague.

What colours do you like to paint your toenails?
Don't colour them much. Fingers are ususally apple green, turquoise or black.

Would it be cool to to learn how to DJ at a club?
Yes, very.

Where are you going to be three hours from now?
The gym, hopefully.

What job would you never take, even as a last resort?
Pornstar.

If you broke your computer, would you be able to fix it on your own?
Er, I don't think so.

If someone looked in your closet, how would they judge your style?
Inconsistent.

What was the shittiest hotel you've ever stayed at and why?
Never had any 'shitty' ones, but the lowest grade would be the hotel in Sitiawan. Bunked there for two days, Unee's engagement.

Have you ever gone on a boat and been sick the whole time?
Yep. Mencandat sotong at Perhentian. It wasn't so bad though, I didn't throw up. Can't say the same for Pah and some others.

Did you get a good sleep last night?
Average lah.

What is the weather outside?
Clear skies. Hope it doesn't rain.

If someone makes a spelling or grammar mistake, do you ignore or correct them?
Usually no. Unless it's in a presentation deck or if that person is close to me, and even then it depends when.

Do oversized sunglasses actually look good on you?
Unfortunately no. I look like a makcik straight out a 60s movie.

What is the most overrated thing in the world?
Justin Bieber's talent.

What is one word to describe your room?
Chaotic.

If you found a wallet filled with cash on the street, what would you do with it?
Return it if it has an ID, send it to the nearest police station if it doesn't.

Have you ever kept something form the wild as a pet?
Nope.

What grades did you get in school?
Mediocre. SPM was a lil better though.

What is the worst lie you've told and gotten away with?
El**ra.

Do your parents try to plan out your future for you?
Now? Not really.

Do you think that surveys are a waste of time?
Most of the time, yes.

Are you wearing a hoodie today?
Nope.

How many songs do you have on your music player?
1216 songs, but that's about 1/5 of my MP3 collection. Perhaps 1/10 of my music collection, if we count in CDs.

What is the one thing you'd change about yourself?
Apart from something I'm already working on? My self confidence, I guess.

What is something your parents are always nagging you about?
To take my driving license.

What is the last thing you laughed about?
Talking about Maharaja Lawak Mega with Yuna.

Are you embarrassed to talk about stuff with your dad?
Not really. He's pretty open.

He Knows Not My Name

2011-12-07T07:28:00.003+08:00

He knows not my name
Not my words and speak
Not the depth of my breath

He knows nothing of my life
Of warm and peace
Of solace and seek
Of blank proses and full gifts

Yet I feel he's been here before
He's touched this skin
He's kissed these lips
He's swam in the sea of my love peach

Or did I dream it all up?

- Coffee Club Kino
- 4.15pm, 27/11/2011

Lagu Malam Ahad

2011-12-04T23:33:00.003+08:00

Respect, Sir.

He is the guilt

2011-12-04T19:06:00.004+08:00

I am happy to be sad
Listening to you
Your fingers play the story of my life
A tune that kills me over and over again
And I'd gladly go to hell and back again
I crave you, desert craves the rain

Even from afar
You touch my sordid heart
I begun to wonder who you really are
How come we've never met before
I feel I know you like a long time lore
Sweet grace, make me your paramour

He is the guilt in me
The voice of reasoning
And I wish he could help me write a beautiful ending
To my story

- Taman Melawati
4/12/2011, 7.20 pm

Deklarasi 1

2011-12-04T17:57:00.003+08:00

It's Sunday and tomorrow it will be Monday.

Useless fact, I know. Haha.

This blog is full of useless, random facts. Some about me, some about you, some about the world in general.

But I think, the best pasrt of it, is making you stumble in your read as you trip over the typos. It makes you think, doesn't it? You could be thinking, peh ntah pape minah ni, tak buat spell check ke before upload? or you could assume that I am not as 'intelligent' and hip as I portray myself to be pasal tolong lah babe, ko punya typo macam taik ok!

yeah yeah.

Assume all you want.

Akak memang ratu typo :)

I tak kesah pun.

Yang I kesah adalah kesudian uols lepak sini once in a while.

Thanks readers!

Muah muah :D

lagu Petang Sabtu 2

2011-12-03T16:12:00.001+08:00

Perfect for the rain and the pain and the lonely days that once in a while plagues.

Lagu Petang Sabtu

2011-12-03T14:43:00.001+08:00

HIV/ AIDS, ada aku kesah?!

2011-12-02T07:35:00.005+08:00

As many of you know, 1 Disember (semalam) adalah Hari AIDS Sedunia. Ia diraikan di hampir semua negara di pelusuk dunia untuk menggalakkan kesedaran tentan pandemik ni.

Rasanya ramai antara kita yang dok dengar pasal HIV/AIDS ni dari kecik. Kat sekolah kita dengar, kat TV kita tengok iklan-iklan, dalam majalah ngan suratkhabar... kiranya kalau saya tanya mana-mana orang secara rawak samada diorang tahu pasal HIV AIDS ke tak, chances are semua akan kata tahu. Tapi tahu apa?

Saya anggapkan kebanyakan orang kita masih seperti penduduk US di awal dan pertengahan 90an. Mereka sudah mula sedar yang HIV/AIDS itu bahaya, tak boleh diambil ringan, tapi tak tahu apa-apa fakta dan lebih banyak percaya cerita karut-marut yang didengar secara gosip.

Contoh paling mudah, siapa ada dapat sms / FB status / twitter update semalam yang kata jangan minum Coke & Pepsi sebab ada pekerja kat kilang yang HIV+ dah tumpahkan darah dia dalam container air kat situ? Ramai gila. Saya dapat 3 FB statuses macam tu, dan malu nak mengaku, adik saya sendiri pun sms benda tu pada saya. I think she spammed it to a lot of other people as well. Sigh...

Sib baik la dia hantar kat saya. So after explaining to her, she posted my debunking facts on her FB wall. At least ramai orang akan baca dan faham.

Tapi apa cer orang-orang yang takde sape nak tolong explainkan? Nak pegi google sendiri fakta HIV/AIDS? Haarraaammmmmmm.

So takpe adik-adik, akak-akak, abang-abang, meh lemme answer some of your questions about HIV/AIDS. Now these questions dulu diajukan pada saya oleh remaja hinggalah orang dewasa ok. Ada antara soalan ni yang berbunyi bengong gile tapi pada saya macam ni lah ek, bila cakap pasal kes hidup mati kita, takde soalan yang bodoh.

Read on!

HIV/AIDS boleh berjangkit kalau kissing tak?
Tak boleh, kecuali kamu gigit lidah masing-masing dan minum darah tu bergelen-gelen.

HIV hanya berjangkit melalui 4 benda ni: darah, air mani (semen), air mazi (precum), bendalir faraj (vaginal fluid). Air liur, peluh, sentuhan, batuk ke semua tak boleh.

Eh, ade je orang tak buat sex tapi dapat HIV/ AIDS...
memang ada, sebab ada aktiviti lain yang boleh pindahkan HIV from one person to another.

Ada 3 cara jangkitan yang utama iaitu Seks tak selamat (samada anal or vaginal), perkongsian jarum atau dari ibu kepada anak. So kalau orang tu ambik dadah, pastu jarum suntikan tu dikongsi beramai-ramai, maka tinggilah peluang HIV merebak.

Aku bukan gay, apasal nak kena HIV pulak?
Ok, jom tengok statistik di Malaysia. Pada tahun 2010, 47% dari kes HIV yang dilaporkan adalah dari perkongsian jarum, 40% dari heteroseksual (straight lah maknanya), 1% dari ibu kepada anak dan hanya 8% dari golongan homoseksual. Now tell me, masih fikir HIV/AIDS masalah orang gay?

HIV tak pilih mangsa. Kita hitam ke, putih ke, melayu ke cina ke india ke, gemuk ke, keding ke, sama je. Kalau korang buat seks pakai langgar je, korang kongsi jarum ambik dadah, korang bertukar-tukar pasangan tanpa mengambil langkah penjagaan yang baik, kebarangkalian kena HIV tu tinggi gila.

Wei, jangan minum air tin cap Peksis tu! Ada emel kata pekerja dia dah tumpahkan darah HIV dalam container! Mampus ah kita weiiiii
Relaks beb. Hal makan minum ni memang mencuakkan, tapi meh nak story sikit: HIV adalah virus yang hanya boleh hidup di dalam badan manusia. Jadi kalau la darah HIV tumpah dalam makanan ke, atas meja ke, kat baju ke, tepi jalan ke, virus tu tak boleh merebak kat kita kecuali 1. darah tu masih fresh (baru dua tiga saat lepas tertumpah DAN 2. kawasan yang tersentuh tu ada luka.

Tapi kalau termakan, cemana?!!
Kebarangkalian memang ada, tapi tipiiisssssss gila. Korang cuma boleh dijangkiti kalau 1. Darah tu fresh, 2. korang kena ada luka di mulut atau tekak, dan 3. korang minum bergelen-gelen darah tu.

Nyamuk pun hisap darah. Sama je ngan kongsi jarum.
Seperti yang dikongsikan tadi, HIV cuma boleh hidup dalam darah manusia. Bila nyamuk isap darah seseorang, dia tak menolak balik darah orang sebelumnya ke dalam badan kita. lagipun virus HIV tak boleh hidup lama dalam nyamuk sebab nyamuk bukan manusia. Sekian.

I tau boyfriend I bukan HIV+ sebab dia sihat gila
Ada orang yang hanya menunjukkan simptom HIV dalam badan selepas 10 tahun menghidapnya. Ada beb. HIV duduk dalam badan dan attack sistem immune badan, iaitu sistem yang mengeluarkan antibodi (antibodi adalah askar2 yang lawan penyakit dan bakteria). Keje HIV adalah lemahkan sistem immune. Orang akan terus sihat kalau takde jangkitan dari penyakit-penyakit lain.
Tapi
bila ada penyakit lain, macam bakteria, atau demam atau masalah kulit ke, atau luka, haaaa masa ni sistem immune dah tak boleh tolong hantar askar gi baiki balik kerosakan tu. Maka time tu baru badan mula jadi lemah dan takde perisai nak lindung badan dari terus dijangkiti oleh virus / jangkitan lain. Time tu baru orang tu akan kena AIDS.

Pakai kondom, main tak best lah.
Kena HIV, best tak?
Sekarang ni ada macam-macam jenis kondom, untuk macam-macam saiz dan keperluan / keinginan. Jangan risau, mesti ada yang sesuai untuk korang. Yang penting, tengok expiry date. Jangan beli yang dah luput sebab kondom mudah pecah atau koyak lepas tarikh luput.

So awak ni menggalakkan saya buat seks????
Ehhhhhh sabar beb, sabar. Amboi marahnya. Camni eh, dalam kes HIV/AIDS ni, tak ada yang lebih baik dari menahan diri dari melakukan perkara berisiko tinggi dan ya, seks memang berisiko tinggi. Cuba hidup dengan ABC ni:

Abstinence : Jangan buat. Tak kira la seks ke, ambik dadah ke, jangan buat. Tahan diri dari buat semua ni. Ingat agama, paling tak pun ingat lah mak bapak dan hazab kalau korang kena HIV / AIDS nanti.
Be faithful: Kalau dah tak boleh nak tahan diri dari buat, setiakan diri dengan hanya satu pasangan mahupun jarum.
Correct use of condoms & needles: kalau dah menggelijat sangat dan dah tak boleh nak tahaaannnnnnn sangat nak jugak nak jugak kalau tak I mati, make sure korang guna kondom. Kalau ambik jugak dadah, jangan kongsi jarum!

Orang HIV takleh kawen. So cemana kalau lepas buat test HIV untuk kawen, tetiba pasangan aku HIV+?
Okay, ini isu yang agak sensitif dan sebenarnya penyelesaian terletak pada individu tu sendiri.

Saya kenal seorang lelaki awal 30an yang baru saja berkahwin, dan ya, dia HIV+. Saya juga kenal seorang wanita HIV+ yang putus tunang sebab dia taknak risikokan bakal suami dia.

Thing is, kesanggupan kita. Benda utama adalah untuk tau fakta berkenaan HIV/AIDS dulu. Cemana merebak, kalau dah HIV+ cemana nak contain, cara pencegahan dari terus merebak, risiko-risiko... bila dah tahu benda-benda macam tu, baru lah boleh duduk bincang dan decide nak kahwin atau tidak.

Memang akan rasa kecewa, ragu, sedih dan sebagainya. Tapi perasaan tu mungkin memuncak sekejap je. Cuba plak fikir, apa reason korang nak kawen? Berapa lama dah korang sama-sama, sedalam mana cinta tu (yang konon apa jadi pun I tetap sayang you. Ha skang dah jadi, amacam?). Dan pastu, fikir juga kesanggupan dan keupayaan untuk hidup dengan HIV+.
It's really up to you.

Apa guna saya kawen dengan dia kalau pastu dia sakit, mati.
Semua orang pun mati, beb. Takyah kena AIDS pun boleh esoknya mati kena gelek lori (naudzubillah).
Sekarang ni macam-macam rawatan ada untuk HIV/AIDS. Kerajaan turut bagi bantuan ubat-ubatan percuma. 10 tahun lepas, memang kos ubat HIV boleh cecah sampai RM1500 sebulan, tapi sekarang tak lagi. Dengan penjagaan yang betul dan kadar kesihatan yang optimum, seseorang Yang Hidup Dengan HIV boleh hidup sehingga 20 tahun. That's a long time.
Harap korang dah faham sedikit sebanyak tentang soalan-soalan penting dalam kepala hotak korang pasal HIV/AIDS.
Tapi kalau ada yang memusykilkan, tinggal soalan korang kat ruang comments and I'll try to answer them ok :)

Jauhnya!

2011-11-30T08:57:00.001+08:00

Masih ada 205 entri yang perlu saya tulis jika mau capai 1000 posting saat saya mencapai usia 30.

Fuihhhhhhhhhhh

Takpe Elle, semangat yosssshhhhhh!

Nice script, ye of the slanted mouth

2011-11-29T17:41:00.002+08:00

"The world aint all sunshine and rainbows, we can't let this life bring us down... None of us will hit as hard as life, but it ain't about how hard we can hit but about how much we can get up after being hit and still keep going! We have to have courage! We have to stand up for what we believe.

If you know what you worth, go out and get what your worth! Don't let anyone determine your fate. Go and get what You Want. Live your dreams or die trying!"

- Rocky Balboa

Speaker of hearts, not minds

2011-11-29T07:52:00.007+08:00

Someone questioned the reason why I do not voice out my opinions on the state of rotness that we live in. How I could say 'I reserve my comments' when pursued about our biased, propaganda-lined government, on how most Malaysians have been Pavlovified into believing that everything is peachy and will continue to be peachy for the next millenia as long as Barisan Nasional helms the country.

The moment I said well, we're not that bad compared to other countries, he raised his eyebrow and immediately I saw that he had made up his mind about where I stand on the issues, and thus have automatically lumped me in the group of 'worthless Malaysian scum'.

It was a rather interesting experience, you know, watching yourself be stereotyped in such way. So often we stereotype people without actually being aware of commiting such crime. Being at the recieving end is not so amusing after all, one can only do 2 things about it: deny the asumption and straighten things out, or stay silent and let the assumption takes it course. In my case I chose to do the latter, although it does sound like I'm condemning myself, I knew that if I were to argue it out I'd lose the battle. One should know when to pursue a fight, and when to step back and collect more artillery for the next assult. Besides, I'll survive.

But that's not the point I'm getting at.

What I'm trying to say is,
in this world we live in, there are people who are made to be the frontliners, there are those in the centre that battles the big fields, there are minions who slave without really going to battle and there are leaders and thinkers that does the planning, the cunning plot and plimps, the one that plays chess with the fate of the world. So where do I stand in this picture?

I am like the poet that sits in a dark tavern, wiling away the hours with a pen, a scrap paper and a mug of ale. I look rather oblivious to sufferings of the world, as if nothing moves me except the world that I have so flourishly build in my mind. Once in a while I'd come out of hiding to present a piece of entertainment that would cater to the merryment of others. Then later, back to being the bastard (or bitch) that I am, not caring, not fighting, a coward.

Fact is, people like me are not oblivious to the facts of the damning world, but rather, we are too attuned to it that it saps our strength to simply be in it. Everytime we walk the streets, we see how perjury is committed in every court you rule, how intimidation and fear are being bred in the society sprouted form the likes of the ruling party and the opposition, we see how in the end, all of these worldly things mean nothing to the soul but an empty fight we're losing fast... and most of all, our hearts break everytime we are accosted with the suffering of every homeless child, every oppressed group, every victim of misdeed, every life taken away by the war you juxtaposed as necessary for freedom (of every single thing bonding us, I suppose) and it is the kind of break that you cannot heal, even with the toughest, badass glue available on earth: faith.

So you see,
I will let you be the leaders and the frontliners. You have more courage to go out and change this world, you have more skills and suave, you are equipt with a mind that is intelligent and fast and wit that extends beyond the normal proles. You crave for what you call the balance, justice, freedom, wealth, which in actuality means power. The power to give, to take, to recieve and to divulge. It will make you the same as those you so openly despised, for there will be others that will rise against the injustice that comes with ruling, still when the day comes for you to step up the throne we pray you will not stray from your speech of promised righteousness. We have seen too many burned by their own worldly sins, and chances are so shall you, but then again, what do I know of politics and such, I am but a mere coward, holed up and ignorant.

Let me and my kind be.
For once in a while, when you're weary of the exhausting world you live in, when the lethargy of your war against your scums get the better of you, come to us. Lose yourself in our circus of 'plays' and 'seranades' and our colourful antics. Let us be your muse for a while. Let us show you a world beyond the obvious. Although we, when in our darkness might see the glass half empty, on premiere nights we shine up your town and take you on an route that defies all logic and reason. We are what you call your entertainment, the escapade you seek, the break in your strenuous life.

You seek to change the world with your strong words and lances and swords via viva la revolution, while we change it in our own way: burst of colours across the constallation that brings joy to the masses. It might last all night, maybe only an hour or two, but it dazes the adults so they forget their worries, and the plant hope and dreams in the hearts of the children watching.

Sit for a while and think, are people like me truly despensable?

Keats and a cuppa

2011-11-27T19:41:00.002+08:00

Breaking rules.
Not my forte.

But I'm doing it again today. Damn this is bad,
but

I am now
Making decisions on things I have long avoided.

Good or bad, at least I know.

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konon

2011-11-25T08:13:00.003+08:00

Semalam saya ada event seharian di pejabat. Lepas waktu pejabat, saya pergi ke KLCC, mencari hadiah untuk harijadi bapak saya (iaitu hari ini!). Selepas beli barang, saya ke gym pula.

By the time sampai rumah, sudah pukul 11 malam.

Sesampai di rumah saya lihat mak baru buka laptop nak check FB, dan bapak pula tengah layan cerita cina lawan pedang sambil minum kopi.

Perut saya lapar gila, tapi sebab terlalu mengantuk dan penat, serta aktiviti betis kejang (padan muka), saya hanya sempat campak beg, tukar baju dan terus mampos di atas katil.

Pagi ini, dalam perjalanan ke ofis, saya buka FB di handphone. Ada satu mesej dari mak. Aiikkk, kenapa mak mesej ni?

"Tadi konon kata penat sangat" 8 hours ago

Huh??

I took me a while to comprehend her message. Ni mesti masa dia bukak FB semalam, dia nampak status saya online so dia ingat saya naik atas bukannya tidur tapi sempat bukak laptop layan FB.

Mesti mak saya tak tau kat handphone FB on je 24 jam. Silap-silap dia tak tau kot kat hangphone boleh FB, hihihihi.

Teringat pulak insiden lain, yang ni berlaku sekitar awal tahun lepas:

Mak: Huih hari ni satu hari mak cuti, punyalah boring. Satu apa pun takdak kat tv.
Saya: Nothing interesting? Selalunya mak ok je layan AFC ke, movies ke.
Mak: Apa pun takdak. Channels biasa, lepas tu Tamil movies banyak la.
Saya: Awat tak tengok HBO ke, Starworld ke.
Mak: Takdak pun. Mak dok scroll next, sampai lah dia kata channels not in subscription. Apa lain semua takdak.

(Mak tak tau movie channels and Starworld semua kena type in the channel bukan main scroll je hahahahaah)

Saya: La... kalau macam tu awat mak tak tengok DVD?
Mak: Err... mak tak tau nak on macam mana.

Hihihihihihii! Mak saya memang chomel gile! Hihi!

Aiii schweetnye!

2011-11-23T10:28:00.003+08:00

Mizzy N wrote a very warm entry on our short but wonderful time together during uni days.

Babe, terharu siot. I miss you too. I'll find some time off to chill with you soon aiight! Kita meet halfway lah, perhaps a movie at MidValley ke...

Making it my friendship KPI lah, we must meet at least once before the year ends. I promise!

Have a good December babe. Love ya.

morning mantra

2011-11-23T08:05:00.001+08:00

Rejection is God's way of saying "Naahhh, wrong direction!"

Time to take risks, Elle.

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Huiyo

2011-11-22T18:38:00.001+08:00

Gym terasa macam dekat high school Amareka bila ada akak yang dengan konfiden bogel depan locker sambil dia kemas beg sebelum masuk mandi.

Takyah tanya gym mana. Korang ni pervert betul la!

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Clairvoyant

2011-11-21T14:41:00.003+08:00

Kamu tahu kenapa kadang-kala saya keluar dari kepompong dunia dalam kepala hotak saya dan suka hati berbual dengan orang yang tak saya kenali di stesen lrt atau tempat awam lain?

Sebab kadang-kala mereka ada insight yang tak terjangkau atau ternampak oleh kita.

Semalam saya berbual dengan seorang yang tak saya kenali. Perbualan yang bermula sekadar bertukar khabar akhirnya berubah rancak. Dari hal muzik ke perihal keluarga hingga topik agama semuanya keluar dengan mudah, mesra dan tanpa sebarang hostiliti.

Tapi yang emasnya adalah pengakhir perbualan kami. Sebelum kami berpisah lelaki pertengahan 30an itu sempat mengulas bahawa:

Jodoh saya akan sampai dalam bentuk seorang lelaki berusia 38-42 tahun, berjawatan dalam sebuah lembaga pengarah atau yang sama waktu dengannya. Besar kemungkinan dia seorang yang pernah berkahwin, tapi isteri telah meninggal dunia, atau mungkin bercerai. Katanya lagi, by the end of 2012, I will be a married woman.

Gittew.

Kau hado tukang tilik bobohizan percuma macam ni?
*Muka kekwat kibas rambut sambil betulkan crown*

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Yay!

2011-11-16T20:48:00.002+08:00

Fokkalen

2011-11-15T09:53:00.006+08:00

I stood by the door frame, leaning a little, eyes squinting hard, trying to understand what I was seeing in front of me.

Is that, what I think it is?

I could not comprehend what I was seeing then. It was perhaps, too out of this world. I know when it comes to this particular dude, nothing is impossible, but even this, for the bizarrest dipshit on earth, is pretty jarring.

I tried to say something, anything to break the scene but it seemed like my voice had decided to not join in the macabre.

That was perhaps the craziest shit I have seen in a long while.

Right smack in the middle of a bong clouded room was Dabi; in a torn spandex top, an askew bowtie and denim cutoffs; on his back, arms outstretched, whole body splattered with paint that was dripping heavily from the ceiling and walls.

On the window was his pet kitty, Ajak, shivering scared, eyes red and stoned, looking very much like a Pollock's version of the Cheshire cat.

"Cara paling senang aku nak siapkan painting ni, is just blew the mothafokka paints dengan mercun. Boom! Dah siap!" he said, a dazed grin on his face.

And he lied there, eyes transfixed to the ceiling for what was perhaps the awkwardest 5 silent minutes of my life, before walking out from the room into the kitchen and brewing himself a cup of green tea, leaving nasty (and most probably hard to wash acrylic) footprints on the floor.

At the corner of the warzone stood a framed canvas on easel, barely touched by any paint.

Freakin' crazy shit, I tell ya.

jars of honey

2011-11-14T13:39:00.002+08:00

Up there in the bluest afternoon sky
I see a constallation that spells the sweetness of your breath and smile
Like the beat of the heat, I got entranced for a while

Probably inside of me a mess of melancholic blues
Masking it up with pieces of tangerine skins and jars of honey
So hey
everything seems bright and sunny
Underneath, a heart that longs for you

And one after another the band plays past us
I roused the courage to tell you how I feel
And right at the moment I whisper it in your ears
Oh hey
This time a disguise bleeps out my fears
Buried still, a heart that sings for you

Up there in the bluest afternoon sky
I see a mire of lost confessions and unsaid myths all jumbled up in one
In your eyes, I'll still be ever young and fun

Oh hey
Friends we are, been so, all this time
Forever, a heart that's made for you

Probably inside of me a mess of melancholic blues
Masking it up with pieces of tangerine skins and jars of honey
So hey
everything seems bright and sunny
Underneath, a heart that longs for you

-1.49pm, 14/11/2011
Bukit Bintang

gile random #18

2011-11-12T18:31:00.003+08:00

9.20 malam
Restoran NZ, Wangsa Maju
6 November 2011

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Lagu petang Sabtu

2011-11-12T13:27:00.000+08:00

From the vault

2011-11-10T04:40:00.002+08:00

Momma told me not to hang my drawers outside
Said I might attract the wrong crowd about
Well momma forgot
That the crowd's already in the house
With their laced up boots and moonshine eyes
Ready to crack the box on her little child

Been too long since I opened my windows
Perhaps today I'll try and bask in your beams
And let them wash away
The soil off my feet
The perjury
Of yesterday's promises

-4.32am, 10/11/2011
Taman Melawati

kencing

2011-11-09T22:48:00.001+08:00

Aku demam.
Esok ada konferens dan Bos aku suruh aku tido kat hotel siap-siap supaya aku tak terlajak tidur pagi esok akibat makan ubat.

Dengan gigihnya aku balik, pack barang dan naik teksi ke KLCC. Kononnya nak jalan dari KLCC ke hotel sebab dekat, untung-untung kebah sket demam. Janji jumpa pukul 9.30 malam di lobi dengan ofismet.

Saja keluar lambat supaya sampai hotel boleh terus tidur.

Tapi

Budak pegang kunci bilik baru mesej, dia lambat. Pukul 11 baru sampai. AGAKNYA.

Sekarang aku menepek sorang kat KLCC park, cuba untuk tidak kelihatan seperti akak yang berangan jadi mat rempit.

Siot btol.
Aku dah kena kencing daaa.

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Busy ballin'

2011-11-08T17:51:00.003+08:00

I am freakin' busy.

No, seriously.

I'm dropping a note here to seal a commitment - I just started gymming again.

Sothis is here as a reminder and a flag of sorts. If I fail to change and stick to a healthier regimen, this entry will mock me for life.

There.

Oh, another thing,

amidst my gymming / exercising / interest in buying a foldable bike so I can ride em to & fro the train stations - work (ye, memang aku dah gile), I have somehow abandoned this blog and my attempt at joining Nanowrimo this year. Biggie fail.

Hot damn nigga, you sexy beast, you!

Thus,
I will try to post something of substance soon, most probably a few album reviews. Want old albums or new albums? We'll see lah apa yang sempat gua capai. Album lama pun kalau worthy apa salahnya kan?

You guys have a good week ahead.
Much love, people!

Wrote this on a tissue paper, sometime back

2011-10-30T16:20:00.006+08:00

I am a Tauro.

It has been said that we Taureans are patient and reliable. We are warmhearted and loving. We could be very placid, and we are secure. We are loving, and we are persistant, we can be very determined, well, most of the time, that is.

Very true.

But I think you should also know,
that we are

jelous,
we are posessive.

We can be self-indulgent, and we can be greedy.
And we can be resentful and inflexible.

If you are here, you are mine and mine only.
If you can't be that, then you better leave now.
Before hearts are broken, and before I hate myself all the more.

- The Curve, coffee, alone

Ponderland

2011-10-28T14:02:00.002+08:00

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Sempadan minda

2011-10-25T16:33:00.002+08:00

I believe in everything until it's disproved. So I believe in fairies, the myths, dragons. It all exists, even if it's in your mind. Who's to say that dreams and nightmares aren't as real as the here and now?

- John Lennon

Obsessing

2011-10-18T09:32:00.004+08:00

Terasa seperti mahu kembali kepada benda-benda lama yang selalu buat aku gembira dulu.

Bila aku kata gembira, aku maksudkan separa miserable. Mungkin manusia macam aku sedikit fakap. Aku si melankolik yang hanya berasa hidup bila aku perlu memuja dari jauh, bermuram dalam gelap malam mengenang masa depan, bergelumang dengan rasa kesunyian yang berpanjangan.

Susah untuk benar-benar gembira.

Sebab gelak tawa cuma singgah sementara. Setiap kali aku benar gembira, aku pasti tersungkur tak lama selepas itu.

Aku sukar percaya hidup aku boleh benar-benar jumpa puncak kebahagiaan dan kekal di situ. Memang benda itu mustahil pun untuk sesiapa, menjumpai kebahagiaan yang berkekalan. Tapi aku rasa ramai yang mampu be at peace dengan diri sendiri.... cuma aku belum sampai plateau itu. Aku perempuan bastardo yang suka duduk dalam lopak keresahan yang aku cipta sendiri.

Mungkin kau rasa itu bodoh.
Mungkin.

Ah, kita semua ada kelemahan masing-masing. Kita semua ada kryptonite peribadi. Aku, perempuan paling optimistik di kalangan orang, tapi sebenarnya pesimis terhadap diri sendiri.

Sebab itu aku rasa buang masa korang cuba nak berkawan dengan aku. Huhu. Betul.

Aku sudah mula cari dadah keresahan dan longing aku minggu ini, tanpa disedari.

Blower's Daughter berputar tanpa henti di telinga.
Terasa ingin baca kembali Hannibal dan live again the rich, self-revelation experience of Hannibal Lecter and Clarice Starling.
Mahu mula menulis atas paksi lama, menulis kembali cerita-cerita jiwa yang lama cuba dipendam.

Hmm... apakah?

p/s: On a lighter note, Nanowrimo akan bermula dalam 2 minggu. Berjayakah aku siapkan novel aku sepanjang November? Entah. Tapi aku mahu cuba. Kali ini mahu menulis cerita dari hati, bukan plot rekaan. We'll see how that goes.

Fern under the rock

2011-10-17T18:08:00.003+08:00

Dabi telefon aku awal pagi Ahad. Aku masih tidur lena, dengan suara mamai aku jawab telefon.

"Urrhhmmmm?"

"Babe, aku sedih babe."

Huh, Dabi lelaki ceria yang tak pernah ada masalah jiwa tiba-tiba sedih? Lelaki bermulut keji yang tak pernah terlintas nak jaga hati orang dari ketelusannya tu tiba-tiba sudah terasa?

"Huh, Dabi ke ni?" suara aku serak-serak manja mengada, memang macam tu kalau aku baru bangun tidur (bukan aku kata, someone else kata!), cepat cepat aku betulkan. "Ko kenapa nak meroyan-" aku tengok jam henfon "-pepagi pukul 9.45 ni?"

Diam di talian. Aku gosok-gosok mata. Tengok skrin henfon kot-kot lah dia sudah letak. Eh, masih ada.

"Bi, ko ade ke tak ni?"

Diam lagi. Tapi aku dengar bunyi esakan. Menangis pulak... "Bi, kenapa ni... Cakap je lah. Ko kat mana ni? Nak aku pegi jumpa ko ke?"

Esakan dia makin kuat. Aku dapat bayangkan bahu dia bergoyang, tangan menekup muka, air mata mengalir bercantum dengan hingus yang pada masa ini mungkin sudah bercurah ke atas bibir, menitik ke baju spandeks hijau/kuning/pink yang dia suka sangat pakai tu.

Aku baru nak bukak mulut, suaranya menerpa

"Aku baru tau Ahmad Jais dah meninggal! Babi kau tak bagitau akuuuuuu!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Kedepek! Dia putuskan panggilan. Aku cakap kedepek sebab Dabi ada one of those ultra-uber usb phones berganggang yang boleh dicucuk pada henfon, although it defeats the purpose of having a small phone kalau nak kena bawak manbag letak ganggang tu ke merata tempat.

Pening aku.
Semenjak bila dia suka Arwah Ahmad Jais ni?

Aku sambung tidur balik.

Berapa kitab kau ada?

2011-10-11T19:54:00.002+08:00

Berapa kitab kau ada?

Belum tentu lagi dapat selamatkan kau dari masalah besar kau.
Belum tentu dapat bantu kau cerna pengetahuan yang sibuk kau timba.
Belum tentu boleh buka mata hati kau pada kebutaan yang menghijab kepala.

Sebab

Kau dah lama mati di mata aku.

Quick Update

2011-10-11T11:45:00.002+08:00

Fans rejoice!
Never Mind The Buzzcocks season 25 has arrived!

After a year of nothingness, the badass music quiz show is back on air. Team captains Noel Fielding and Phil Jupitus are back to lead, although they haven't found Amstell's replacement yet, so it's still different host, different week.

I have no idea why they chose David Hasslehoff as the first host, and he sure had fans crying foul. If NMTB wants to keep the rotation going, they should at least consider paying the good few that could actually do the job without scripting (or at least read the script better than Hasslehoff).

I'd prefer they get the ol hosts like Amstell and Lamarr to take turns, together with some of the awesome guest hosts they've had, like Frankie Boyle, Tim Minchin, Alex James... Wait, they should just persuade Boyle to do it. He's a gem!

Buzzcocks is back, yay!

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Tongue on you

2011-10-10T23:46:00.001+08:00

Testing the new old gadget. And yes, that is my battered but wonderfulky awesome Desire you see there in the pic :)

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Janie Ada Sepucuk Pistol

2011-10-10T06:22:00.001+08:00

Life's been very very very hectic the past few weeks.
Things went a lot crazier last week.
I was tempted to bang my head on my desk a few times, but good thing I prevailed. Heheh.

My personal life took a turn too.. well, more like a small bend, but still, it's something new and nowadays I find myself counting on new things to perk me up. I'm making it a mission to do something new every week. Those metal CDs u see me listening to on the right bar of this blog, yup, new ear candies. Although I must say, they're not exactly that sweet to the ears. Too much jazz and pop has mellowed me down, or perhaps I have only been listening to commercial metals like Metallica and Rammstein. Time to up my game and start experimenting again.

Learned a few things about myself too:

After making a gazillion calls to the UK, I now know that I have a pretty 'unique, kinda weird American-tinted' accent. All this while, I thought I sound like the typical Malaysian. Not Kelantanese / Kedah pekat kinda Manglish, but you know, average Jane from KL kinda English. Oh well.

No amount of Mock The Week or Frankie Boyle stand-up dvds could save me from going "what's that again?" when speaking to Scots. I had to really really listen to understand. Best thing was, when I spoke back in my normal slang, they went 'huh' too. Had to put up a fake British accent for them to understand. From there on, they started spewing slangs like I was born on the highlands hahahaa! "Och luv, I'll be miffed if you don't. One moment, I'll be back in a jiffy, swear on me Da's grave I will!"

I managed to pull off things I never knew I could before. Despite my supposedly high confidence level (pfffttt!), I could be quite insecure sometimes. Insecure, unsure, always second guessing myself, so it's good to know that when I put my mind to it, concentrate and give it my 100% 'oh what the eff let's just get it over and done with', I could actually execute pretty extraordinary stuff. Hehe. Cheers to miss fearless me haha

I'm still pretty much scared of IT. Read the book for the hundredth time, so that's kinda helping me with my Pennywise issue. However, I was not ready yesterday when I stumbled upon the IT dvd at Wangsa Walk. Shite, the sight of Pennywise grinning on the cover gave me the bajeebies! I mean, instant goosebumps and I felt like crying right there and then. This clown phobia is getting worse by the day and I need to do something about it soon. I didn't buy the DVD though, it was going for cheap but urrgghhh, I couldn't make myself hold the dvd pun. I think I'd have to ask my sister to purchase it for me. And this time, no horror movie session at night like we always do. IT has to be seen during the day, with the curtains drawn back, and perhaps with the doors open as well. But then again, I might bawl my eyes out or go hysterical, so I should probably consider a straightjacket as well. I really really hope I'll be able to face my coulrophobia. Damn you Pennywise, I will conquer this dastardly effect you have on me, I swear I will!

I have a bucketful of things to write about here, but so little time to get things organized enough for an entry. Soon though. I promise :)

Have a good week, minions!

Terasa kecik di sisi Les Paul

2011-10-03T19:33:00.002+08:00

Ada impian yang nak kena setel sebelum hujung tahun tamat. Impian yang dah lama tertangguh akibat sifat prokrastinasi aku yang maaakkkkk aiiiiii penangguh lain pun takut nak compete.

Time ni lah juga lagu Kembara nak mengiang di telinga. Lagu cari duit yang tak jumpa-jumpa tu.

Ada seorang kawan selalu ingatkan aku, jangan kata 'tak ada duit', tapi kata ada duit tapi bukan untuk buat x dan x. Katanya, kata-kata itu doa dan kalau cukup 44 kali aku cakap aku takde duit, ada potensi untuk aku bankrup dengan sekelip mata. Seram jugak, walaupun duit dalam bank tu berapa kerat je.

Aku rasa dalam berapa bulan terakhir ni, payah jugak untuk aku kejarkan benda-benda yang kengkononnya aku nak buat sebelum 2012 menjengah. Yeah yeah I keep repeating myself like a broken record... nak kena ketukkan dalam kepala hotak supaya aku tak terbabas lagi. Banyak sangat temptations... panggilan berjimba, seruan bersosial, tuntutan kekeluargaan, bayaran komitmen dan yang paling ketara, unnecessary stresses yang buat aku makin stress dan infinitely cari channel melepaskannya, tapi semua menjahanamkan diri. Seperti nak sarapan epal tapi stres kerja London deal ni punya pasal, terus rasa nak turun kafe pegi beli nasi lemak sambal banjir. Atau melencong ke KLCC lepas kerja kang and blow a few hundred bucks at La Senza and M&S. Nasi baik aku ada la gak ketahanan diri. Kalau tak, silap-silap aku dah ada library bra dah kot.

Aahhhh malas betul buat kerja menunggu! (Org meeting ngan aku ni kna panggil dgn boss dia pulak. Dah 30 minit aku tunggu ni. Haish). Ni ada jugak aku gi beli nasi lemak ni kang.

Dah la, nak gi usha blogshops ah.

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Maksudnya

2011-09-28T15:52:00.002+08:00

Biar betul
Biar ada
Biar bukan ragu

Biar langsung
Biar lega
Biar katup buku

Biar padat
Biar erat
Biar tak berkias

Biar cepat
Biar tepat
Biar dapat aku tinggalkan segala nafsu

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Tak pernah belajar tapi redha

2011-09-28T15:30:00.001+08:00

Memang macam ini.
Dari zaman sekolah. Zaman remaja aku. Kemudian menjengah ke zaman awal dewasa. Hingga sekarang.
Aku masih sama.

Aku gembira untuk dia, sungguh aku gembira.
Aku rasa aku sudah berbakti. Seperti yang aku kata pada mereka, aku buat semua ini dengan penuh ikhlas. Mungkin satu hari nanti ada orang akan buat benda yang sama pada aku, dengan penuh keihlasan juga.

Memang aku betul-betul gembira.

Tapi rasa yang sama aku rasakan bertahun dulu macam menyinggah kembali.
Dari dulu sampai sekarang aku tak pernah berubah.
Aku masih macam Anil Kapoor. Masih macam Abby Barnes. Masih menyanyikan sonnet racun jiwa yang sama, sambil membaling kelopak bunga pada kegembiraan orang lain.

Memang harimau tak boleh tukar belangnya.
Sampai bila pun, aku tetap sama.

Dadah

2011-09-26T17:14:00.002+08:00

Kalau kita selalu buat sesuatu benda itu, lama-lama tanpa sedar ianya akan jadi rutin. Kebiasaan.

Bila rutin itu terganggu, kita pun terpintas dari landasan.

Hari ini aku terpintas.
Entah kenapa, mahu pula tangan-tangan halimunan menghindar aku dari dadah aku yang satu itu. Payahnya... sudahlah perlu menyampai pesan dan menyebar khabar pada beberapa penerima yang penting.

Baru sehari aku sudah tidak senang duduk. Baru sehari aku sudah panas bontot. Marah aku lebih sedikit sebab bukannya selama ini aku endah tak endahkan perihalnya, malah aku pastikan semuanya teratur, terjamin, terpaksi kemas.

Tiba-tiba hari ini...

Ahhhhhhhh, kenapalah kesabaran dan kegembiraan hari ini harus dicalar dengan sekatan bekalan dadah jiwa ini?

Rimas!

Kerja bercanggah dengan etika?

2011-09-23T13:23:00.003+08:00

Pissing the night away

2011-09-22T10:22:00.001+08:00

Restless nights.
It has been so for the past few months.

At first, I blamed it on the change of environment.
After that, my moonlighting activities.
Then it was my matters of the heart.
Then it was stress of handling multiple events.

I'm running out of excuses.

Could it be insomnia?

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Fakta-fakta penuaan yang tidak boleh disangkal

2011-09-21T14:00:00.000+08:00

1. Tadi aku turun dari tingkat 8 ke tingkat 6 guna tangga. Sungguh tidak disangka, terkepit-kepit menuruni tangga saat berpakaian baju kurung dengan kasut tumit 4 inci kini memberikan hazab bersensasi keriuk-keriuk pada lutut.

2. Main galah panjang dah serupa macam main semput panjang. Baru lepas 2 rumah dah rasa nak mengamuk. Bila nak menang ni wwoooiiiiiiiiii. Tu belum lagi main caples. Kadar kepantasan diri, beserta saiz tubuh yang cukup auummmm, ceh, memang confirm blom sempat apape dah kena caples dah.

3. Bukan orang suka bermasam muka saja yang akan cepat berkedut. I now have laugh wrinkles. Paling tak tahan, a friend of mine mentioned the other day "Weh, cuba buat muka marah."

So I did. Pastu dia suruh pulak buat muka sedih. Pastu muka gembira dan kagum. By the 5th expression aku dah nak seligi dah kepala dia tapi dia pantas kata "Expression lines ko is from muka terkejut lah!"

She was right. I tried it in front of my mirror and yes, I now have surprised lines. Nampak sangat banyak momen drama mami tanjung dalam hidup aku hahahaha

4. Pegi mana-mana, semua orang panggil kakak. Tempohari, baru nak senyum kat brother barista kat sebuah kedai kopi, dah dia kata "Have a good day, kak!" Thanks, dik.

5. Aku boleh menghabiskan 20 minit geledah rumah cari spek mata yang aku lupa letak mana, padahal 20 minit sebelumnya tu aku cuma bukak dan letak di atas meja sebelah katil. 20 minit tunggang terbalik satu bilik aku kerjakan, dan bila ternampak spek kat mana, dah penat sangat nak clear balik all the mess yang aku bongkarkan hehe.

6. Bila aku rancak borak pasal pemuzik kegemaran, budak-budak baru grad kat sini tak faham. Semua buat mulut lopong muka konfius bila aku cakap Aerosmith, Beatles, Ella Fitzgerald, even Mr. Big.

"Ooooo Beatles tu bapak saya dengar la, kak Elle," lantas menukar topik ke cerita Rihanna bercinta dengan siapa sekarang ni.

Haish. Aku sendiri kompius, aku ni 29 ke 59? Hahahahaha!

Free The Mack Daddy

2011-09-21T08:09:00.004+08:00

And the modern graces of my artificial heart
Pumps mercury in and out of its aorta

Cursing through my glass veins
A little bit closer to the skin, everytime
Beating
Fleeting
Itching to burst free

- 5.15am

Taman Melawati

Corpses

2011-09-19T11:19:00.004+08:00

We were silent throughout the ride. He kept pretty much to himself while driving, and I, I couldn't be bothered to start a conversation. My mind was far away, still thinking about what lies ahead.

A diner sign flashed from afar, tiny dots in the black night. My stomach grumbled.

"So," he said, breaking the silence.

"Hmmm?"

"How come you're flagging cars? You don't look like someone who can't afford a bus ticket," he said, never once taking his eyes of the road.

It was a joke, yet I still looked down at my ensemble. My pink polka dot chiffon top was wrinkled and torn, my grey jeans streaked with dirt. My once 4-inch black heels have been transformed into awkward flats much to my dismay, and my backpack, well, the backpack, although out of place with my girly clothes was the only sane looking thing on me. I peeked at the side mirror and as I guessed, my hair was mussed beyond help. In short, I looked like a lunatic.

But I guessed in that condition a looney was a warm welcome from the swarm of damned around us.

"I'm running low on gas and you sound like you could use a bite too," he said as if it was an off hand comment, face as plain as ever. Yet I detected a change in the air.

The sombre mood that was there before vanished and the air in the car seemed thick with anticipation. He must be a seasoned pro, I deduced. Only a pro could look so laid back yet cracle the ambiance with a zest. In a weird way, it was effecting me too.

I started to feel the rush of adrenaline coursing through my veins and did a double take when I saw my reflection on the window. I was grinning like a maniac, pumped and ready to go.

"Got everything you need? I have some stuff in my duffel if you need backup," he pointed his thumb to the back seat.

I took out my sawed off Remington 870 shotgun and a Baretta that I strapped on my ankle. Turning my back to him, I tugged my top up my back to reveal a straight blade machete tied to my body. "Locked, loaded and ready."

He laughed softly."And here I thought you had a rod up your ass, sitting stiffly like that."

We exchanged knowing smiles and laughed in abandon.

The smell of putrid flesh and black blood permeated the car as we got closer to the diner station. Left and right, the undead dragged their feet, flashing their empty eyes and bloody crevices as they started towards us.

He took a dynamite, lit it up and tossed it casually out his window. As a huge blast tore through the silent night, he looked at me with a grin as wide as mine and said

"Well if it ain't the death of the black parade. This is going to be super fun!"

He was right.

Zombie killing never felt this exhilarating.

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I can't change my mould

2011-09-15T19:02:00.007+08:00

Suatu masa di separuh kedua 90an, lagu ini jadi tema hidup seorang budak remaja yang semak, poyo dan halimunan.

Hari ini, lagu ini sekali lagi menjadi tema seorang budak yang semak, poyo dan halimunan. Cuma dia dah tak remaja aje hehehehe.

Bittersweet Symphony - The Verve

'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Trying to make ends meet, you're a slave to the money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places where all the veins meet, yeah

No change, I can't change, I can't change, I can't change,
but I'm here in my mold , I am here in my mold
But I'm a million different people from one day to the next
I can't change my mold, no, no, no, no, no

Well, I've never prayed, But tonight I'm on my knees, yeah
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind , I feel free now
But the airwaves are clean and there's nobody singing to me now

No change, I can't change, I can't change, I can't change
But I'm here in my mold , I am here with my mold
And I'm a million different people from one day to the next
I can't change my mold, no, no, no, no, no

(Well have you ever been down?) (I can't change, I can't change...)(Ooooohhhhh...)

'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony this life
Trying to make ends meet, trying to find some money then you die

I'll take you down the only road
I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places where all the veins meet, yeah

You know I can't change, I can't change, I can't change,

but I'm here in my mold, I am here in my mold
And I'm a million different people from one day to the next
I can't change my mold, no,no,no,no,no

(It justs sex and violence melody and silence)
(It justs sex and violence melody and silence)
(I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down)
(It justs sex and violence melody and silence)
(I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down)
(Have you ever been down?)(Have you ever been down?)(Have you ever been down?)

Gedik sekali sekala

2011-09-14T18:06:00.001+08:00

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Thick glasses' anthem

2011-09-11T17:59:00.001+08:00

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Tolonglah!

2011-09-09T13:15:00.001+08:00

One message, in the middle of the night.
One single line.

"I miss you, sayang."

Well b, pegi mampos.

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Feminon, yang arif

2011-09-08T19:12:00.002+08:00

Dabi memandang saya seolah saya sudah di luar akal.

“Kau takkan serius nak pakai macamni dengan aku?” tanya dia, kening terjungkit sebelah.

Saya lihat pakaian saya. “Kenapa tak boleh?”

“Cuba kau tengok perbezaan baju aku dengan baju kau. Kau nak pergi event aku, kau kena pakai macam aku lah. Ni kekwat pulak nak pakai lain dari yang lain.”

Saya lihat ensamble nya. Saya lihat pula blaus satin ungu berbahu ropol dan seluar jeans kelabu boot cut saya, serta kasut tumit tinggi hitam berpotongan ala Balenciaga saya. “I thought you said wear something feminine.”

Matanya menerjah siling. Muka bosan. “Ye aku kata feminin, tapi bukan feminin macam ni. Feminin macam aku ni ha!”

Dabi berdiri mencekak pinggang. Overall skirt berwarna kuning terang membalut tubuh bagaknya. Bulu dada sedikit menjuih keluar dari hujung singlet yang dipadankan bersama. Kasut doc martens dan rambut pendeknya disikat dan digelkan melekap ke kepala. Di telinga ada subang butang berwarna emas, dan di leher tergantung rantai berloket logo peace. Macam pondan tak cukup duit nak buat sex change sangat.

“Oh. Maksud kau Kumpulan Feminin ke…”

Misi menyambut raya

2011-09-08T08:53:00.003+08:00

Terlupa mahu kata,

Misi peribadi Aidilfitri tahun ini bukannya untuk tidak makan agar tidak kembali berdonat dasyat.

Misi peribadi Aidilfitri tahun ini adalah sesi pembelajaran dan menfamiliarisasikan diri dengan Therion, Godflesh dan Pelican.

Oh kepala hotak, jangan jadi gila lagi. Hihi.

Sekian.

Misi menyelamat jiwa

2011-09-08T05:43:00.000+08:00

Minggu ini aku kelam kabut.

Jam biologi masih lagi buat gila.
Aku rasa aku perlu berhenti melayan jimba minda aku dan paksa bebola mata aku untuk tidur.
Kalau tak mahu tidur jugak, kena buat sesuatu pronto. Makin lama makin teruk ni. Insomnia kah?

Kerja wise,
Ada 4 artikel untuk suratkhabar yang perlu ditulis.
4 okeh. Semuanya mahu hari ini.
Ada satu itinerary CEO aku ke London yang perlu aku selesaikan. Dari book tiket penerbangan ke mendapatkan slot meeting dia dengan embassy dan syarikat-syarikat hartanah dan perlaburan di Central London ke bershopping sampailah ke jalan-jalan jimba. Takde contact person, takde apa-apa aide. Aku cuma ada Google dan gerak hati.
Ini mahu esok.
Ada event esok. Ada event lagi minggu depan. Ada finale rancangan CSR aku minggu seterusnya.
Semua aku terlibat dan semua aku kena pulun.
Update mahu sekejap lagi.
Ada collabo dengan UM untuk set up trading room dan kerja-kerja CSR lain.
Ini mahu finalize Isnin depan.

Semua di atas, satu bende pun aku tak buat lagi.

Tahniah Elle, korek kubur sendiri nampaknya.

La Takhaaf

2011-09-07T21:36:00.001+08:00

Habis sudah segala yang ku inginkan
Kini sudah tidak ada apa-apa

Datang bagai ribut merentap akar umbi yang penat kuselirat ke tanah jiwa
Dan kau larikan kotak minda ku melayang
Berpusing-pusing
Berkocak selerak
Dalam tebal sampah yang kau sapu bersama
Aku terkontang

Tapi aku suka!
Sudah lama debar tak berlari sekencang ini
Bolak balik kau perlakukan, aku rasa seperti… ah

Bila aku sangka ku sudah mendekati terasmu
Terlewat baru ku sedar
Mata ributmu kosong
Dan anginmu hilang
Menghempas aku ke tanah
Berterabur aku dalam lopak
Kau berlalu, hilang sudah suaramu
Sepi, statik, tenang
Seperti tidak penah pun kau datang

Aku bangun berdiri dalam lopak
Masa mengutip satu-persatu kecai permata
Tapi tak mengapa
Kerana datangnya kamu membuka mata aku
Aku tak mati selama ini
Masih ada sisa nafas yang terkubur menanti saat berenang semula ke permukaan
Aku kini yakin
Remuk ini pasti aku dapat licinkan semula

Terima kasih, sayang
Pada kamu aku layangkan senyuman terlebar hari ini
waving my peace sign, with my index finger down

Aku terima nikahnya

2011-09-07T14:49:00.003+08:00

Ada kawan post benda ni di FB. Rasa macam menarik nak kongsi:

"Aku terima nikahnya Si Dia binti Ayah Si Dia dengan mas kahwin RMxx.xx"

Bunyi macam senang? Huh, ni maksud sebenarnya:

"Aku tanggung dosa-dosa si dia dari ibu-bapanya, apa saja dosa yang dia buat, dari dedah aurat hinggalah ke tinggal solat. aku tanggung dan bukan lagi mak bapak dia tanggung, dan aku tanggung semua dosa bakal-bakal anak aku. Kalau gagal, maka aku fasik, dayus dan aku rela masuk neraka, aku rela malaikat Zabaniyah melibas hingga pecah badanku."

Fuh.
Nak kahwin bukan senang beb.
Seram.

mahu cecah 1000 sebelum aku 30!

2011-09-07T06:07:00.001+08:00

Kaki Raya Saya 2

2011-09-05T21:37:00.001+08:00

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kaki raya saya

2011-09-05T21:25:00.001+08:00

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Can't seem to move on

2011-09-02T01:50:00.002+08:00

Angin tepi pantai menderu mengusap wajah.

Aku tak dapat menikmatinya. Minda menerawang ke tempat lain. Terlalu banyak perkara yang berlegar dalam kepala hotak aku yang tak berapa nak pandai ni.

Korang tau,

dua tahun lepas, aku secara spontan mengambil keputusan untuk membeli rumah di Pulau Pinang.
Aku bermasalah jiwa dan kadang kala, bila aku tak mahu fikir masalah aku, aku lari.

Aku tolak tepi isu-isu yang menyentak hati dan aku lari.

Jadi dua tahun lepas, aku mahu lari dari sesuatu. Aku fikirkan, Penang tempat yang sesuai. Asing tapi familiar, masih lagi seperti kota KL yang sesak dan tak begitu peduli dengan kutu macam aku. Aku yakin aku boleh survive sendirian di Penang. Sesat sendiri, cari jalan sendiri. Jatuh bangun sendiri. Susah senang sendiri. Pada masa itu aku rasa penyelesaian kepada masalah jiwa aku ada pada kejauhan.

Tapi seperti biasa, bila aku bagi masa pada diri aku untuk tenang dan berfikir secara rasional, aku batalkan niat aku. Aku ingatkan diri aku yang aku ini sudah besar, yang aku lebih matang dari perasaan aku yang seringkali memerangkap hati aku untuk bertindak di luar batasan.

Akhirnya aku tewas dengan lojik.

Aku sering tewas dengan lojik.

Tapi hari ini,

aku rasa aku mahu lari semula.

Mungkin aku sepatutnya sudah ambil my leave of absence dari dulu lagi.

Mungkin menunggu di sini membuatkan aku semakin jaded tanpa aku sedari.

Aku semakin lama semakin sinikal, semakin sarkastik, semakin tak pandai menjaga hati orang.

Atau sebab aku terlalu menjaga hati orang, aku terlupa menjaga hati aku sendiri.

Semuanya seperti datang menghambat aku.

Ular-ular dalam rerumput lalang yang menanti masa untuk aku muncul, mencari peluang mematuk betis dengan racun sangsi dan cemburu.

Aku nak lari dari segala masalah aku. Aku rasa ini saja caranya.

Bila aku sudah tak ada di sini, aku boleh bermuhasabah.

Aku juga mahu beri ruang untuk hati-hati batu lain mencair. Mula lupa siapa aku dan seterusnya padam aku dari kotak fikiran mereka.

Aku ibarat pelakar pelangi yang sesekali menceria. Hidup ni tak perlukan pelangi sepanjang masa. Aku tak ada pun, bukannya mati. Pasti ada pelakar lain yang sudi singgah mencerah langit mereka.

Sekali lagi aku dapat dengar sayup-sayup, suara rasional dari belakang minda sudah mula memangkah kehendak hati aku.

Jangan bertindak bodoh, katanya.

Face your demons, katanya. Don't run away from things you know might kill you one day.

Tapi aku penat buat benda yang betul, setiap masa.

Aku perlu cari ruang tenang dalam jiwa aku. Ruang kosong yang boleh mematul keluar kesangsian yang terbuku dalam benak aku dan menyerap segala rasa cinta tak terhingga yang masih aku punyai dalam hati agar aku tidak terus-terusan sesat.

Aku tak sangka Aidilfitri kali ini buka semula tingkap yang aku sangka dah aku katup rapat-rapat suatu masa dulu.

Dah tiba masanya aku berambus dari melankoli ini.

Doakan aku sampai destinasi peribadi aku yang ini.

Selamat Hari Raya

2011-08-30T10:50:00.000+08:00

klik gambar kalau rabun

inconsistency yang konsisten

2011-08-28T22:45:00.002+08:00

Caca-marba.
Masa aku mula-mula kenal perkataan ni, aku darjah 6. Aku buat karangan dan bila aku tunjuk kat cikgu BM aku, dia cakap aku boleh ganti perkataan berterabur dan bercampur-aduk dengan caca marba. Cikgu Sohaidi, aku ingat lagi, dia beritahu aku perkataan tu macam it's a secret vocab yang dia nak kongsi dengan aku saja. Dia memang selalu kongsi perkataan-perkataan baru dengan aku. Aku tak tau lah kalau dia ambil extra effort tu dengan kengkawan lain, tapi aku memang rasa macam kitorang dalam a secret one special word a day society or something. Cikgu aku memang cool.

Masa aku dengar caca-marba, memang aku gelak gila sebab bunyi dia macam merepek. Tak dengar macam perkataan Melayu pun, lepas tu aku teringat kat peach melba lah, tarian chacha lah. Aku siap boleh kata, ntah bila ntah aku nak guna perkataan ni lagi. Takkan kot. Ni perkataan orang skema ni. Takpe, boleh sampai dalam peti kosakata otak aku. Kot-kot la satu hari nanti nak guna. Chances are tak guna pun kot sebab bunyi kelakar gile hahahaha

Little did I know

Caca-marba menghantui aku sepanjang pengajian aku di universiti, hinggalah perjalanan aku belajar menjadi penulis.

Aku orang yang semak dan kelang kabut, tapi perfectionist jika benda yang aku buat itu ada passion. Apparently, penulisan aku juga begitu. Storyline dan moodboard aku juga begitu. Editing style aku juga begitu.

"Elle, your assignment seems all over the place."

"Kenapa tak record the takes you did masa shoot video ni? Pastu masa extract kenapa tak label by sequence? Hasil kamu bagus tapi working style kamu memang caca marba."

"Weh, ko memang takde playlist ke untuk on air arini? Takkan ko pakai pilih je lagu ikut sukati ko?"

"Your headlines and copy seems too... distinct. Customers tak suka macam ni. You need to be more linear and commercial with your writing, dear."

If I had seringgit for everytime I heard that, I'd be able to put the down payment for a car dah by now.

So it came as no surprise that a client of mine recently mentioned my caca marba-ness during our phone conversation.

"Elle, I nak bagi job kat you ni, because I dah kenal you lama and I know your abilities. Err... you masih caca marba macam dulu lagi ke? Hihihi."

Oh, nampak sangat kecaca-marbaan aku masih menjadi isu. Maka sudah tentu lah aku perlu buktikan yang aku tak lagi seebok dulu. Yang aku sekarang dah teratur dan organized.

"Babe, I've changed for the better. Dulu muda lagi, keje pun ikut suka hati. Skang dah pandai dah susun kerja and manage everything in tandem with my schedules," kata aku sambil tersenyum sebab orang kata when you smile the person at the other end boleh dengar senyuman tu.

"Eh, you! I nak you yang disorganized tu, yang tu la yang creative and full of ideas!"

Pulak dahhhh!

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Kayu pengukur

2011-08-27T14:40:00.001+08:00

"Hang ni pelik lah."

Saya jungkit kening."Pasai pa pulak?"

Dia menjuih bibir pada beg duit saya.

"Pasai pa dengan purse aku? Okay apa, hitam, simple, tak gedik."

"Apa punya cokkia brand hang pakai ni?"

"Takdak brand. Aku tak suka. Biaq la."

Dia geleng kepala."Dah besaq, kerja stabil, gaji boleh tahan, takkan tak mampu nak beli yang ada brand sikit? Baru la orang respect sikit. Kalau aku, segan aih nak bok kluaq bayaq duit kat cashier."

Saya tengok dompet saya. Malu ke? Beg duit hitam panjang yang ultra nipis ini, yang saya beli dari blog Korea, yang memang simple habis dan tak pretentious ini? Ini jadi pengukur status saya?

"Ini pengukoq status aku?"

Dia tak berkata apa. Instead, dia tunjuk t-shirt hitam saya, seluar jeans saya yang kian melondeh, sneakers buruk saya dan beg tangan saya."'nuff said," dan dia berlalu pergi sambil catwalk macam artis.

Saya berdiri sendirian di depan La Senza yang kini terasa seperti Pusat Pakaian Hari-Hari.

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mad max

2011-08-25T18:19:00.001+08:00

He sat staring at the ceiling. Smoke danced above his head. He looked like a young Brando, sitting there with his tousled hair and classic features. He didn't belong.

"You should stop smoking, you know. It'll kill you."

He looked at me, eyes hazy."Death and taxes, babe."

I shook my head sideways. He never listened to anyone. In fact, he'd almost always do the opposite. He used to drive me crazy with his ridiculous antics. Lookin back, I realized now that we weren't so different after all. I rebelled against most that tried to institutionalize me too. Although our degree of rebelling differ, we were the same. I should've seen that before.

"At the rate you are going, I'll be a regular visitor at the cancer ward in, say, 2 years?"

He dragged in a lungful of smoke. Out came long blows of Os, teasing me. He laughed.

"Don't worry babe. I promise you cancer won't have a chance with me," he said, as he rested his hands on my shoulders.
"You won't see me in them pathetic green uniforms. I'd rather get hit by a bus."

He bent down and planted a kiss on my cheek. As he walked out of the door towards the lawn, he cheekily blew me another kiss, wafting acrid smoke my way.

I shrugged. 29 and still too carefree, too naive, too can't give a fuck about anything, I thought.

But he was right. Cancer never did get the best of him.

My beloved rebel died in a hiking accident while trekking in Annapurna, Nepal. What a way to go, huh?

I can imagine him smiling from above, mocking me, "Toldja I was gonna exit the building in the most extraordinary way!"

You bastard.

Thanks for being a great friend and mentor. I'll miss our banters.
R.I.P Maximilian.
1979-2011

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A Geeky Greek

2011-08-25T14:05:00.002+08:00

And he came to me in the still of the night
A shroud of mist
Cold to the eyes
Yet, sensuously
Warm, tender and sweet in the wake of his touch

At that moment
I understood the monstrosity of it all

A pin drop
Ringing clangs in my ear
He shouldn't be here
I might fall
For him

Random rambutans

2011-08-24T22:53:00.000+08:00

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Your Book Describes You

2011-08-23T23:25:00.001+08:00

Wah lamanya tak buat benda ni!!!!

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in a reply to my journal and in your journal along with these instructions.
5. Don't search around and look for the "coolest" book you can find. Do what's actually next to you.

My sentence:
The new architecture could achieve no special successes in Austria, if for no other reason because since the completion of the Ring its tasks, in Vienna at least, had become insignificant in comparison with the plans arising in Germany.

- Mein Kampf tulisan Adolf Hitler

Hapdet-hapdetan

2011-08-22T14:56:00.004+08:00

Ya.
9 malam terakhir Ramadhan.
Banyak benda nak kena kejar, banyak benda nak setelkan sebelum Syawal.
Benda materi, benda jiwa.

1. Dah berjaya delete!
Ya. Saya dah deletekan semua berkaitan si dia! Fuisssshhhhh rasa macam sebeban dah diangkat dari dada! Selamat tinggal nombor telefon, FB, YM, Whatsapps, mesej yang dekat seribu tu. Selamat datang peace and keterujaan untuk hidup semula. Mana datang superhuman strength ni saya pun tak tahu tapi yang pasti semuanya dah selesai! I'm moving on. Biar tinggal memori dalam kepala hotak aje. Tang lain, Ctrl Alt Del. Goodbye lelaki almost ku. Hidup dengan tenang, moga jumpa apa kau cari.
Lega gila!

2. Kekecundangan terawih
Malu sebenarnya. Miss 3 kali terawih. Memang separa disengajakan. Maksudnya sibuk buat benda lain sampai tertinggal. Tak dapat capai target nak buat full. Konon. Minta maaf tuhan. Saya cuba lagi untuk beberapa malam terakhir ini.

3. Raya bukannya pasal baju
Tahun ini tak ada baju raya. Eh, ada, sehelai baju kurung untuk pagi raya. Itu pun mak mati-mati nak jahitkan jugak supaya kami semua sedondon pagi raya nanti. Kalau ikutkan saya, ahhhhh apape yang ada, sudah. Tidak ada jeans, tops, kasut, baju dalam, seluar dalam mahupun mekap raya. Jangan membazir. Lagipun dah tua-tua ni memang tebiat la kalau semuanya nak baru kan?

(ini sebenarnya bertajuk dah lari bajet nak bagi duit raya. sekian)

4. Aktiviti selepas raya
Sudah dapat roh baru, maka saya dah berjanji dengan diri nak pergi buat benda-benda yang saya tak buat sebelum ini.Seperti memancing. Betul-betul memancing. Bukan takat baling dalam air ngan tolong reel in je. Dari cucuk cacing (kesiannye cacing tu sob! sob!) sampai lah cabut ikan dari mata kail (ni selalu kecundang sebab kesian tengok ikan tu huhuhu). Yes I memang macam ganas tapi hati I kiut hahaahahah

Selain memancing, nak start camping balik. Dah lama gila tak camping, and I mean real camping tahap masak guna mestin kat unggun api dan sebagainya. Nak test skill tebang buluh buat rak kasut and meja bangku semua still boleh pakai lagi ke tak. Rasanya dah berhabuk gila. Silap-silap nak buat simpul-simpul yang terer zaman Pengakap dulu pun tak lepas. Aritu mak tanya, mata lalat ingat lagi tak? Nak suruh jahit. Haraaammmmmmmmm tak jalan. Maaf, mak ku.

Memandangkan aktiviti-aktiviti macam ni takde geng kerana geng saya kena charge handphone, laptop dan ipad sebab nak FB segala bagai, maka saya dengan yakinnya akan pergi jugak camping dan mancing ni sendiri. Ah tak kesah lah. Sorang-sorang pun feel apa. Malam, boleh main gitar tepi unggun api sampai pagi. Kalau takut sangat, errr.... masuk khemah, sumbat telinga dengan mp3 sajor.

5. Puisi untuk loser
Sekarang ni tengah dalam proses mengumpul puisi-puisi busuk lama yang terperuk di celah entah mana. Kalau dah belek dan cukup pilihan tak berapa busuk untuk dikompilasikan, maka akan saya beranikan diri menghantarnya pada mana-mana penerbit karya yang sanggup gamble dengan budak tua tapi hijau macam saya. Kang kalau dah jadi, saya roger. Kalau tak jadi pun korang confirm akan baca something kat sini. Sapa sudi nak jadi pembaca / editor saya sebelum manuskrip terbang ke publisher, sila angkat tangan!

Kalau lah kot-kot tak sempat nak ucap lagi lepas ni, selamat selesaikan malam-malam Ramadhan. Dan selamat hari raya juga. Makan sedap-sedap tu, jangan lupakan yang jauh di mata. Gelakkan lah barang sekali dua sebab diorang kena makan ketupat instant nona ngan serunding lemau manakala kita indah menghadap rendang, lemang dan laksa, kari serta lontong yang gila ohsem.

Bye sayang-sayangku.

And that's how the cookie crumbles

2011-08-22T12:54:00.004+08:00

Buka puasa.
Saya, mak dan adik-adik.
Bapak dah selesai, dia sudah pun berada di depan TV menonton drama bersiri Cina. Bunyi tung tang tung tang lawan pedang terdengar sayup-sayup.

Adik-adik masih lagi meratah lauk pauk.
Sayur dan ikan sudah selesai dibalun. Udang Masak Thai yang dah tinggal satu pertiga mangkuk berpotensi habis dalam masa 5 minit.

Am ambil 5-6 ketul. "Kak Yana, terer ah masak. Adik sahkan you're lulus. Boleh kawen dah ni," sengeh dia sambil mengopek udang.

"Ooo ye ke?" saya senyum tapi malas-malas nak jawab.

Mak mencelah. "Haa tu la, rugi ja. Pandai masak but wasting your time cooking for us. Pi la masak for a guy, mesti dia terpikat."

Saya nak dekat tersedak. Mak aiiiii, masak je boleh terpikat ke? Hahaha. Mak was taking the 'A way to a man's heart is through his gastronomical fetishes' a little too literal nampaknya haha.

Tak puas melihat saya diam, mak menyambung. "Yana tak dak ka sapa-sapa? Pi la cari boyfriend..."

Adoi. Dia bukak dahhhhhhh cerita boyfriend.

"Alah mak, lelaki sekarang lebih menjahanamkan dari membimbing," saya jawab sambil muka acuh tak acuh.

Huh, silap besar la bagi jawapan macam tu. Sebab

Mak terus bermuka excited dan dengan gembiranya berkata "Hah, Yana nak ustaz ke? If you want I can find for you. Tapi kena ready lah. Betui ni, mak boleh carikan!"

And there I was, munching prawns, thinking:

There goes my D'Angelo - Jamie Foxx - John Legend lovemaking playlist. Damnnnnn.

Lagu petang Sabtu 2

2011-08-20T16:31:00.003+08:00

My first Amy discovery, way back in 2007.

Rest in peace, lady.

Lagu petang Sabtu

2011-08-20T15:42:00.003+08:00

Perempuan memang banyak songeh

2011-08-16T11:21:00.004+08:00

Ok, entri hari ini berkenaan dengan sesuatu yang cukup vain dan mengada-ngada. Khas untuk perempuan sebab aku rasa perempuan je yang boleh relate benda ni. Jadi untuk readers lelaki, you have been warned ok. Sila skip kalau tak nak baca benda-benda whiny dan menyampahkan.

Ok.

Alkisah y'all,

You know I have been trying to change my lifestyle to a healthier one, kan? Those who know me personally will testify that I have always been a jolly person, I do what I want to do without really caring about my body. And yes, that includes sesi pemakanan riang ria tanpa rasa bersalah, at some times boleh late late nights yang tido cuma 2-3 jam membuat benda tak berfaedah seperti menggoreng gitar bermain lagu Creep dan mencipta lagu-lagu picisan sendiri sampai jari naik kematu dan sebagainya. Itu belum kira kerja di opis sampai lewat malam lagi. Senang cerita, gua dulu workaholic yang tak pandai jaga diri.

So masuk tahun ni, lepas my life threathening scare mid last year tu, gua macam nekad nak ubah sikit-sikit. Mula-mula gua hijrah kerja. Ini perubahan besar gila! sampai sekarang gua sayu pikir my comfy cubicle and my good friends tapi KITA PERLU TERUS HIDUP, yo.

Tukar kerja means tukar pattern hidup. Takde dah balik lewat malam. Skang ni by 6.30 gua dah boleh gerak. Lokasi pun di tengah KL Golden Triangle so gua dah senang nak jumpa kawan-kawan dekat di hati gua. Maka maknanya gua tengok dunia lah sikit. Cuma gua belum pandai nak pegi socialize myself just yet. Susah nak tukar perangai hermit ni jadi extrovert. Oh I am an extrovert in most cases but you know how they say you can be in a big crowd but still feel lonely? Gua feel awkward beb. Gua tau gua ni macam berbelit-belit sket, kan? Well, gua akui gua kompleks dan mengelirukan. Itu pasal gua prefer layan angin dan malam dan ruang dari orang haha.

Anyhow,
Dari seorang sloth yang gile kentang, gua cuba la menjinakkan diri dengan exercising and being a little picky on what I eat and when I eat. So yada yada bla bla bla jaga food bla bla bla bla joget-joget hiphop bla bla bla bla brisk walk bla bla bla-

Memang nampak la hasilnya

In two months I've lost about 2 dress sizes. Untuk orang pemalas piaw macam gua yang memang tak percaya sebarang bantuan kurus lain dan bermatian taknak makan pills or Herbalife or whatever other dieting shit, ni kira kejayaan beb. I'm doing it the hard way. Well, not as hard as my friend Adiem lah, dia naik turun gym sampai lepas berbuka pun cardio 2 jam... gua tak lah sekental tu lagi but well, still a feat lah kan.

Pah and Kak Wats, if you are reading this, sure korang pun faham kan.. when I was there mana I peduli benda-benda macam ni. Lagi nyampah bila orang sibuk nak kurus ade lah hahahhaha

So skang ni bila orang dah sibuk cakap weh ko dah kurus la, ko dah kecik sket bla bla bla sepatutnya gua kena la rasa bangga kembang semangkuk kan? Selalunya pompuan memang macam tu kan? Bangga happy gile rasa diva vass

tapi

gua macam sedih dan bengang siot.

Kenapa?

Sebab baju-baju kurung dan baju keindahan gua dah mula berbentuk khemah, beb!

Cukup khemah?

Ko bayangkan. Kalau baju keje boleh gak sarung coat or jacket untuk sorok kegelebehan, kalau shirts boleh pakai obi belts, tapi kalau baju kurung?

Dah la koleksi baju kurung gua tak banyak sangat, pastu material semua memang sempoi buat gua gembira, tetiba pakai jadi khemah? Fuuuuuuuuuu rage. Tailor gua yang hebat gila tu jauh di Shah Alam beb, and gua takut la gak kang dah hantar pegi alter, tetiba lepas raya gua naik balik ke kan... mampus. Itu jugak sebab kenapa gua tak nak menipu diri gua dengan bershopping baju baru. Mana la tau kang gua rebound balik, sendiri sedih huhu.

Satu lagi masalah: seluar.

Siot btol. Seluar jeans gua semua dah turun paras hipster dah beb. Panjang meleret, gua tunduk je confirm nampak seluar dalam. Siot betul la. Kalau pakai top panjang sikit pun (macam t-shirt pun), lu boleh nampak the pants riding low. Silap hari gua pakai boxers dah boleh jadi hiphop dah ni. Tua-tua hiphop kejadah?

Seluar kerja lagi la, slacks manade belt loop kan. Maka kalau gua tunduk memang la menempah. Bebaru ni gua tengok balik gambar kursus kat opis ni, ade la aktiviti berlari-lari anak tonggeng-tonggeng kutip benda etc (skill building stuff) dan lo and behold, ada satu gambar tu dengan obviousnya menunjukkan gua dari belakang tengah ghairah membuat aktiviti dengan seluar riding low, menampakkan seluar dalam berwarna pink yang gatal. Ye warna pink sebab aritu gua berperasaan gedik sikit. Weh kat keje weh, sungguh tak appropriate kot. Dahla baju corporate gila tetiba nampak wtf aaarrrggghhhhhhhhhhhh!

Sebab itu gua stress.

Kejap-kejap,
gua bersyukur beb.

Gile ko tak bersyukur? After years of being a denial slob, skang ni gua dah boleh berubah ke arah 'kebaikan' sikit sikit. Tapi gua rasa blom bersedia nak buat total wardrobe makeover la.
Macamana?

Akak-akan yang selalu diet-diet Collatrim lah apa trim tu, uols uols yang gila gym tu, ada masalah ni tak?
Share sikit babes.

Susah-susah gua kemban je kang.

Tetap tak nak kalah. Feeling kemban Puteri katanya

P/s: Thanks to my PJ gang, my Vouchers and my family for your encouragement. I rasa awkward sikit la, tak biasa kena puji or motivate macam ni (berbunyi poyo tapi benar) but your words of encouragement and cheers membantu. Thanks a bunch and please dont expect a supermodel by the end of the year, gile jauh perjalanan gua. Tapi tak supermodel pun, superstar dalam hati ho yeeaaahhhhh!

tank top, undies and nothing else

2011-08-14T23:57:00.006+08:00

So I was walking around in one of the hypermarkets today, buying things to cook for buka puasa.

There was this lady, sweet looking 40ish year old lady, wearing baju kurung with a proper bawal tudung, sifting through the pile of pathetic looking lemongrass right next to me.

She said "Sekarang ni nak cari benda yang segar susah kan?"

I nodded and smiled. "Ak'ah."

She continued "Akak kan, selalunya ambik serai belakang rumah je, tapi suami akak dah tebang semua serai akak. Dia kata dia tak kenal yang mana serai yang mana rumput hihihhiihihi!"

That was kinda funny so I laughed with her. "Lelaki, kak. Biasa la."

The sweet kakak went on to describe her kids to me, how her five and seven year olds are her joy, how she doesn't understand abortion and abandonment of kids, and how she cherishes her kids so much she'd die for them in a second.

She sounded like the sweetest, most awesomest mother for the 5 minutes we talked

until

her kids came runing towards her with a trolley.

"Berapa kali ibu nak kata jangan lari lari. Ni ibu nak kata LANCAU NI-

I exited the area pronto.

Smarty pants

2011-08-13T16:54:00.003+08:00

Benda yang saya suka:

Bau rumput dan pokok basah sebaik selepas hujan

Benda yang saya tak suka:

Bau rumput dan pokok basah disulami dengan bau taik kucing yang fresh sebaik selepas hujan

Can I borrow some change?

2011-08-11T17:32:00.002+08:00

Dari malam sampai pagi, dua hari lepas, saya baca semula semua posting blog ini.

Sungguh banyak yang dah berubah.

Bukan sekadar isi blog, tapi peribadi saya sendiri. Semua dah berubah.

Gaya penulisan dan penggunaan bahasa. Dulu lebih best, dulu lebih naive, dulu lebih... imaginatif.
Sekarang dah terlalu diasak realiti rasanya.

Fizikal dan mental pun dah banyak berubah.
Dulu dengan semak, kelam kabut, membesar bagai johan, rambut kusut masai, dorky, gelak krokk krokk. Sekarang dah matang sikit, lebih dewasa dalam beberapa perkara walaupun masih kebudak-budakan dalam beberapa segi lain (tak mahu ubah yang itu!). Kengkawan yang dah lama tak jumpa kebanyakannya bertanya kenapa saya 'nampak lain'.

Baru-baru ini terjumpa A'an, rakan di UiTM dulu. Dia buat muka terkejut beruk tengok saya. "Mana seluar oren? Apasal baju keje korporat ni?"

Tergelak besar saya. Sampai tua pun orang akan masih ingat seluar oren saya tu agaknya hahahaha.

Saya dah banyak berubah.
Rupa dah lain, gaya dah lain, hati pun dah lain.

Saya dah banyak berubah.
Saya harap ke arah kebaikan.

Metallica mai ka?

2011-08-10T10:54:00.001+08:00

Hah, betul ke Metallica nak datang Malaysia November ni?!!
Wohoo!

Tengok kat website, macam tak tapi rumours dah kencang ni.

Duit macam takde nak berjimba, tapi...
Sekali seumur hidup kot!
Ahhh silap-silap ku moshpit kan jua diriku ini hahahaha

Hadoi, kengkawan semua tak layan la pulak...
Sape nak teman gua, jom!

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Hi, I lah Syafwifa Aidid, penulis novel tu

2011-08-10T08:46:00.001+08:00

"Aku rasa aku nak start tulis novel yang dah berzaman aku tangguh tu lah."

Dia pandang saya, mulutnya muncung-muncung sikit. Bukan merajuk, tapi tengah nak juih sisa McFlurry tepi bibir dia.

"Bagus jugak. Cerita cinta ke?" tanya dia, tangan terus mencedok aiskrim.

"Aku ada 2 cerita yang aku abandon. Satu cerita pop yang aku rasa macam dah loya gila nak sambung sebab bukan jiwa aku. Satu lagi this english historical romance kinda thing. Maybe aku sambung yang tu kot."

Dia jungkit kening. "Historical romance tu ape, weh?"

"Alah, ko tak layan punya."

"Ish ko ni, buat ape tulis novel yang orang tak nak baca. Ko nak tulis, tulis la yang boleh jual, yang orang ramai beli. Ko tulis je novel cinta bahasa melayu. Ala, macam yang glemer sekarang. Macam ni," cepat je tangan dia menyeluk beg. Dikeluarkan novel tebal berkulit putih dengan corak hati dan ntah apa lagi ntah, kerawang-kerawang. Tajuk pun jiwang - Cinta Musim Kemarau or something like that.

"Bukan genre aku lah."

"Ko nak ikut genre kau, sampai tua pun tak siap novel tu. Ko tengok ni, best tau!" katanya sambil senyum-senyum belek novel sendiri.

Betul jugak apa dia kata. Mungkin aku patut ambik dia jadi spesimen contoh aku. Dia budak perempuan 24 tahun yang rajin beli novel Melayu, rajin tengok slot Zahra ke hape ntah kat TV, segala jenis drama brsiri dia ikut, pendengar muzik Top 40 dan Carta Era ynag tegar... memang dia sama macam average budak pompuan Malaysia lah.

Sambil tangan mengoles wasabi dan kicap ke sushi, aku kata "Hmmm... kalau macam tu, Didi, aku kena la ada nama gedik jugak. Takkan nak guna Azyze. Tak feminin jiwang langsung."

Dan dan tu jugak dia excited. Mata terbeliak, mulut kenyeh besar. "Aku tau! nanti kita fikirkan sama. Esok aku emel ko ok! Yayyyyy nanti kau dah glemer boleh la aku kata aku yang cipta nama ko!"

Pagi tadi, aku bukak emel.

"Weh, ni ha nama yang aku dah shortlist untuk ko. Ada yang totally different tapi sesuai dengan personaliti ko. Good luck and aku claim 50% hakcipta nama ni hihihi.

Ella Syafrina
Haini Liana
Latisha Elia
Janis Rizyana
Lia Azlaila
Syafwifa Aidid"

Sekarang jugak aku rasa nak muntah.

Sorry Didi, REJECT!

haiku 2

2011-08-09T14:29:00.001+08:00

I am but a child
Naive and full of questions
Help me find your heart

Haiku 1

2011-08-09T13:27:00.001+08:00

Oh jangan tidur
Celikkan mata hati
Generasiku

Terima kasih pakcik teksi!

2011-08-09T06:17:00.003+08:00

Cara menahan cab. Kau hado?

Hampir setiap hari aku mesti naik cab.
Takde la mahal mana pun, ade la dalam RM4.50 pagi-pagi, dari train ke office sebab pagi-pagi aku tak sanggup nak jalan kaki 30 minit dari KLCC pegi ofis. Basah peluh lah aku nanti, kan. Kengkadang balik dari LRT ke rumah aku naik cab gak. Mahal sikit, RM6.80 per trip. Saje je, nak perabih duit. Aku kan kaya. Wuissshhh kayaaaaaaaa.... budi bahasa hahaaha.

Tapi tu tengok la, ikut mood aku. Kengkadang bila aku rasa macam terlebih semangat rakyat kebanyakan 1 Malaysia, aku blasah je naik bas bergayut-gayut. Kalau naik bas, harus lah bas berhentikan aku kat jalan besar, jadi aku kena la jalan kaki masuk ke dalam kawasan perumahan aku.

Kalau time siang memang aku tak kesah, tapi kalau dah malam sangat memang aku cuak gak. Walaupun aku ni ada rupa perempuan kental dengan spek mata nerd berserta sneakers (pakai to and fro office, kat opis aku dah standby heels heheh), tapi dalam hati memang berdebar pasal short cut nak balik umah aku dari bus stop tu kena lalu belakang rumah orang la, celah dapur orang la... Pastu naik jambatan kat sungai kecik la, jalan lecak takde lampu la... haaaaaa bunyi sungguh kekampungan kan, takde macam KL langsung kan? (Hahahahah itulah kehebatan kawasan perumahan aku, kau hado sungai kat tengah-tengah area kau?)

Anyway,
disebabkan aku kurang yakin dengan habitat di sekeliling kawasan sungai kecik tu, maka aku memang lebih konfiden untuk naik teksi je bila balik. Dan kalau dah kerap naik teksi, macam-macam jenis driver lah yang aku jumpa.

Ada yang pakai smart macam nak pergi kerja pejabat, dengan lisu baju tajam, seluar slack hitam, bau semerbak sampai aku pun confuse samada aku yang kerja office atau aku yang pemandu. Ada yang muka bangun tidur, dengan baju tak berbutang dan singlet macam 4 hari tak basuh.

Ada yang bila kita naik, dia diam dari awal sampai habis. Ada yang rajin berborak, sampai kadang-kadang aku rasa bersalah bila telinga aku bersumbat earphone. Ada pulak tu, macam dengki gila tengok aku pakai earphone, saje je dia kuatkan lagi volume radio dia. Stres tu stres (ganggu aku layan playlist start the day / end the day aku) tapi aku anggap je la dia nak share kegembiraan bergelak ketawa pagi-pagi dengan Kak Engku, Krill dan SY. Layankan aje la.

Kadang-kadang, kalau bertuah, aku akan dapat pemandu teksi yang best. Peramah tapi tak terlalu chatty, bila berborak pun tentang benda-benda umum dan memandu pun tak terlalu laju, tak terlalu perlahan. Selalunya aku akan bagi lebih kat pemandu-pemandu macam ni pasal aku rasa diorang bagi servis yang lebih dari pemandu teksi average lain. Keep the change lah kiranya.

Kengkadang diorang selalu tak nak ambik 20 sen atau 10 sen (contohnya charge RM4.10) tapi aku selalu insist. Maka akan terjadilah perdebatan kecil, “takpe bang, ambik je” “takpe dik tak payah” sampailah aku paksa jugak. Aku tau diorang tak nak berkira tapi diorang pun cari rezeki jugak, sama je macam aku. Seposen kalau 10 kali, dah seringgit kan.

Alkisahnya,dua hari lepas aku naik teksi di stesen Wangsa Maju untuk balik ke rumah. Lebih kurang pukul 7 malam kot masa tu.

Habit aku bila naik teksi adalah terus tengok kad biru pemandu untuk mengenalpasti a) bangsa / agama (supaya senang aku tau nak guna bahasa Melayu / English ngan nak wish apa bila keluar cab) dan b) Nombor IC supaya aku tahu berapa umur dia (nak panggil pakcik? Abang?)

So pemandu cab tersebut adalah seorang pakcik Melayu yang tua sikit dari bapak aku. Muka periang dan sungguh kebapaan. Bila aku mula-mula naik, dia dah senyum. Aku dah agak perjalanan kitorang mesi relaks sebab dia nampak tenang.

Tak ku duga, perbualan kitorang sungguh…..hadoyai.

Pakcik: Kamu ni selalu ke balik lambat?

Aku: Eh, ni kira awal la ni pakcik. Dulu pukul 9 baru keluar office.
Pakcik: La, lambatnya. Muda-muda ni jangan jadi kebiasaan balik lambat-lambat. Nanti dah 30 nanti kamu menyesal. Baru perasan kamu takde kehidupan bermasyarakat.

Pada waktu ni aku terdiam. Mula-mula nak bagitau dia yang aku setahun lagi je dah nak naik 30. Tapi lepas tu aku terfikir, weh, pathetic jugak kan, memang pun sejak start keje aku bukannya ada social life sangat pun. Asyik keje je. Apa pakcik tu kata betul lah.

Pakcik: Kamu dah kahwin ke belum, ni?

Hallamak, pakcik ni cerita jodoh lah pulak…..

Aku: Err, belum.
Pakcik: Umur kamu? 25?
Aku: Wuish hahahaha, saya dah 29 dah, pakcik.
Pakcik: Tak kahwin-kahwin lagi? Kamu ni, jangan lah memilih sangat. Nak cari lelaki yang sempurna memang susah sekarang ni. Kita terima seadanya je.

Eh? Ape cer plak pakcik ni? Hahahah

Aku: Ehhhh pakcik, saya ni lah orang paling sempoi sekali pakcik. Saya manade memilih-memilih ni. Janji dia sekepala, pasut boleh pimpin saya ke jalan kebenaran, tu dah kira orait dah tu. Saya je yang tak best, jadi lelaki yang tak pilih saya (gelak over sikit dari biasa)

Pakcik:Eleh, pakcik nengok kamu ni, dengan pakai kot, dengan kemas-kemas kamu ni, mesti kerje bagus. Boipren kamu tu lembap benar. Takpe, dia yang rugi. Kamu cari je la boipren baru.

Masa ni aku macam nak kata je yang a) aku takde pun boyfriend sekarang ni, dan b) kalau lah lelaki sekepala yang boleh layan merepek aku tapi at the same time matang enough to guide me tu boleh pakai main petik-petik je tepi jalan, dah lama kot aku kahwin haha.

Aku: Hmmm tengok lah pakcik.

Kami dua-dua diam. Aku buat-buat tengok phone. Macam tak tau nak cakap apa. Korang tau je la, topic bercinta ni sensitive sikit. Mak bapak aku pun baru-baru ni sibuk soal siasat aku. Padahal diorang tak tau aku ni dok menyembuh luka di dada hahaha.

Tiba-tiba

Pakcik: Ha, anak pakcik ade! Kamu nak? 32 tahun,keje engineer kat Petronas. Tapi dia dekat Terengganu la sekarang. Kamu nak meh pakcik kenalkan! Hensem boleh tahan tapi dia tu suka main muzik. Kengkadang lebih main muzik dalam bilik dari bergaul. Kamu nak? Pakcik orait je. Pakcik sporting! (senyum lebar)

Herkkk, pakcik teksi pun sama nak menjodohkan aku jugak?!
*Matila pitam*

p/s: tak, aku tak ambik pun contact number anak pakcik tu. Sebab aku skema hahahahahah. Sekian.

Entri Ramadhan: irama keinsafan

2011-08-08T16:07:00.004+08:00

Saya perasan kan,
kebanyakan dari kita, bila sebut lagu ketuhanan, mesti cari nasyid. Bukan la nasyid tu tak best, best... tapi tipikal sangat. Memang la kalau dah nasyid, mesti la ketuhanan. Tapi kadang-kadang nasyid ni terlalu meleleh. Well, untuk korang mungkin tak tapi saya susah nak hadam lagu-lagu nasyid kontemporari. Kalau Raihan, Rabbani (1421 gempak!) saya layan la. Selain dari tu, lambat sikit lah babe.

Saya lebih banyak mencari tuhan dalam lagu-lagu yang tidak ditulis with god in mind, atau ditulis dengan banyak tabir. Lagu yang jika sekali dengar, macam lagu untuk kekasih, tapi bila amati dan hadamkan, jelas seolah ianya memperkatakan hubungan kita dengan tuhan. Tentunya lagu-lagu macam ni tak mengenal batas melodi mahupun bahasa. Lagu inggeris, lagu Hindi pun ada hahaahahah! Betul! Tapi kena faham makna lah. Kalau korang bantai Kuch-Kuch Hota Hai siap berjoget bagai tapi sepatah haram tak faham, itu bukan ketuhanan, itu ke-kubur namanya heheeheh.

Baru tadi seorang teman rapat saya menghantar emel. Tanya dia, apa koleksi lagu keinsafan yang sesuai untuk didengar sepanjang Ramadhan? Dalam koleksinya banyak lagu-lagu berunsur ketuhanan dari negara seberang.... sungguh lah lain dari playlist saya, tapi saya kongsikan juga lah since dia dah tanya. Kalau tak kang tercalar pulak kaliber saya sebagai jukebox rasmi kengkawan kan hehe.

Let me share some of the songs yang ada dalam playlist jiwa saya. Lagu-lagu ini indah didengar saat jiwa berkecamuk, hati panas, hilang punca, mahupun di saat-saat anda sendirian mengkagumi keEsaanNya. (Selalunya malam, dalam bilik gelap)

Doa – Harmoni
Lagu yang cukup tajam. Ni memang obviously lagu rintihan pada tuhan. Saya banyak dengar lagu-lagu nasyid zaman 80an sebab lagu di zaman ini lebih direct dan marhaen dari lagu-lagu leleh sekarang.
"Tuhanku, aku hilang bentuk, kembara di negri asing… Tuhanku, pintumu ku ketuk, aku tak bisa berpaling…”

Jangan Menyerah – Dmasiv
Saya tahu lagu ini kerana ada seseorang yang menujukannya untuk saya. Dengar je terus menangis. Terus rasa macam taknak give up in life.

Kepadamu Kekasih – Hattan, M. Nasir, Jamal
Sungguh menginsafkan… antara lagu yang tak tinggal dengar, sekali dengan Doa.

Rindu – M. Nasir
Versi akustik yang sungguh mencengkam. Pendek je lagu ni, tapi ekspresi M. Nasir cukup berdarah, boleh buat jiwa meruntun. Bunyi macam untuk kekasih tapi pada saya ia macam merindukan tuhan yang tiba2-tiba seolah tak menjawab kerinduan kita pada dia…

Kau Yang Satu – Ramli Sarip
“Kau yang maha esa…. Kau yang maha pengasih, Kau yang maha pengampun….”
Sadis dan menginsafkan...

You pulled me through – Jennifer Hudson
Seperti J.Hud yang tersungkur dengan kematian ahli keluarganya yang sadis, kita juga akan terjelepuk sekali-sekala. Tapi Dia ada untuk membantu kita bangkit dan berjalan semula. Insyaallah.

Smile – Robert downey jr
Saya suka version ini sebab terasa macam dinyanyikan oleh orang yang berusaha nak senyum walaupun tengah menangis. Lumrah hidup.

Hero – Nickelback & Saliva
Ni lagu rock, ost spiderman lagi. Tapi pada saya, saya selalu fikir yang saya perlukan hero (iaitu Tuhan) dan saya yakin dia akan datang. Lirik dia, fuhhhh. Saya memang senang relate dengan lagu rock cenggini so takde masalah. Might be awkward for some people though.

Good Morning – India Arie
Lagu ni pasal kekecewaan, tapi kita bangkit juga setiap hari, kita sabar, kita lalui and one day kita akan okay. Soothing sgt.

I’m Glad There Is You – Jamie Cullum
Asalnya ni lagu cinta, tapi saya melihat dalam konteks untuk Dia, yang Maha Esa. Sesuai didengarkan di tengah malam dengan lampu tutup, atau di saat luar hujan, layan perasaan. Mendengar lirik lagu ini, rasa macam ni lah bila memula perasan yg solat semua dah tak rasa mcm malas mahupun terbeban. Dulu punyalah liat. Tetiba skang ni tanpa disedari, semuanya senang. I’m glad there is Him, tak sedar, tau2 saya dah nampak jalan yang saya cari tu…

Both Sides Now – Joni Mitchell
“I look at clouds, from both sides now….” Hidup bukan one sided je. Kita kena faham semuanya dan walaupun adakalanya kita semakin keliru, kita harus redha.

Sesat di kuala lumpur – Kembara
‘Sesat di kuala lumpur, dosa dan pahala bercampur, namun kita perlu hidup, kita perlu terus hidup.” Anthem jiwa-jiwa kacau di Kuala Lumpur.

Across The Universe – Beatles
Ketuhanan gile (tapi diorang towards hindu gods lah). Kita, dengar dalam konteks Allah la. Antara lagu paling puitis yang buat saya nak kagum dan nak nangis at the same time masa first time dengar dulu. Terlalu cantik. One of my favourite lyrics of all time. Saya selalu berharap suatu hari nanti saya boleh menulis sebaik ini dan menyentuh jiwa insan seluruh dunia dengan keajaibannya.

The Sweetest Gift – Sade
Lirik sungguh mengharukan. Macam doa kat tuhan. Sade buat kita rasa doa itu memang boleh sampai kalau kita percaya.

Alhamdulillah – Too Phat (versi inggeris)
Saya tahu versi Melayu popular gila dan menginsafkan bla bla bla, tapi actually saya lebih suka versi Inggeris. Takde Dian yang leleh dan lirik dia sungguh jujur. Yang BM tu macam nak ambik hati orang Melayu sangat, cover line pun boleh tahan.

Tears In Heaven – Eric Clapton
Fuh satu lagi lagu jiwang. “ I must be strong, and carry on. Coz I know I don’t belong here in heaven…”

Kisah Klasik Untuk Masa Depan – Sheila On 7
Tak ketuhanan langsung pun, tapi bila dah nangis tu, lagu ni buat lagi banjir huhu.

Cinta Sempurna - Yuna
Lagu ini seolah kita menangisi kecelaruan fikiran kita dan ketidaksempurnaan kita kepada tuhan huhu

Dan

Ik’tiraf – Raihan
Nangis nangis nangis nangis nangis!

Mungkin anda tak jumpa apa yang saya jumpa dengan lagu-lagu ini, tapi, manalah tahu…
Selamat mendengar dan selamat beribadah sayang-sayangku sekelian :)