"Ko macam desperado sekarang. Boleh tahan jugak la ko meroyan."
I seriously did a double take when she said that. Whhaaaaaaaaaaaaa???
So that got me a little off balance. I sat myself down after our meet, and I started examining myself. I don't remember taking about wanting to get married every single day or whine about the state of singleness I'm in day in and day out. Neither did I force people to start matching me up with their friends and families. I'm not on Tinder or any other hook-up sites (although we all know Tinder is a booty call app hehehe), and I don't stalk every potential bachelor I see. These, to me, would translate into acts of desperation -- which I have yet to and hopefully never will have to resort to.
However, to be fair, I have told some friends, when asked about how I am so happy and empowered and single and loving it anndddd how I have everything going on for me that I don't need a man in my life, y'know, those "we're happy for you and you're so lucky to be single" stuff; I told them that it's not always a bed of roses for me either. Like, oh you guys are lucky to have a family and to have found your one true love, yada yada. You get it. We Asians always play the polite pity game, just can't say "thanks, I am doing awesome" in fear of offending people with their own depressive state.
And there was that time last week when I jokingly lamented on not having a partner to share loans and mortgages with when I was pissed off with the ridiculous new taxi charges (kena beli kereta! hutang!). Pasal jarang nak express any feelings other than happiness, kot. Bila cakap sekali, orang rasa aiikkkkkkk
Which could have been misconstrued as Holy Smokes She's Got Her Andartu Alarm On WHoooppp Whoopppp Clear Out Peopleee!!!!!
So as I sat there in front of my TV, I came to the realization that maybe, in the eyes of some, I do sound a little different from the normally 'don't care, I'm fly' self, thus I am going desperado.
Not exactly pleasing.
I pride in being single, doing well in my career (or I'd like to think so haha), have a wonderful family, and am able to decide things for myself and respected for it.
However, I AM a female, and I do have all my female insecurities, and I accept that. Being 32 in a culture where the average marrying age is 26-27 does get to you sometimes. I feel nothing but joy when I see friends getting married and popping kids et al, no stab of jealousy whatsoever (why feel jealous?), but I do once in a while get starry eyed looking at the moon sighing cliche longing-for-love quotes. I'm a single girl, in my sexual prime. Whaddayaexpect, ey.
So this thing have been bugging me for quite a bit and despite telling myself that I shouldn't fret on small comments like this, I do not want to be seen as a whiner, much less a desperado.
Thus I have come to the conclusion that I'm not happy with this whole desperado outlook thingy and I simply have to change. That means watching what I say and curbing my tendency to go off tangent and blab about my feelings and all. A little sad knowing that I can't even share these things with my close friends, because who else do you have. But the reality is nobody, absolutely nobody (except maybe your mom) have time for that. Everyone has their own set of problems and while they do seem to care, deep down they can't be bothered lah.
In the end, it's just you, man. And you gotta hustle for yourself, cos at the end of the day, what you feel matters, and you need to be in control of the path you choose to take before you fall down an abyss with none to help you, and no one to blame.
Added resolution 2015: share less insecurities, be happy!