This time two years ago, I was having the most body-and-mind productive Ramadan. I was halfway through my Fit & Fab Challenge, already lost about 5kgs and post Ramadan saw me losing another 2kgs. I haven't started gymming at that time but I was eating healthily: iftar with lauk and no rice, no desserts or kuih. It was surprisingly easy for me to say no to rice (my kryptonite), regardless of what awesome dishes my family was having.
I prayed 5 times a day, almost always on time, and missed only one day of terawih. Even on days when I was tired and couldn't muster enough energy to go to the mosque, I did my rounds at home. It was such a beautiful and peaceful Ramadan for me. It was so good that I kept the momentum after raya by continuing my evening walks after work, and adding gym sessions at least 3 times a week. Crazy... I was feeling better about myself, I liked the pace I had and how everything seem so... dipermudahkan. By March 2012 I had lost 13kgs and looked my best in years.
This time around last year, I had my first Ramadan away from the family, having moved out to my own house about two months before. It was an interesting experience, having to wake myself up, suddenly not being able to create an appetite for a proper sahur.. forcing down a cuppa milo or tea at most. I've stopped gymming a few months before after leaving my corporate job to go back to writing. I missed a few Subuhs and a few terawihs as well.
The scales weren't showing any weight gain, so I kinda started slacking off in the food department, going out to a lot of buka puasa dinners with friends and family (read: eating my heart out). I still almost never tapau food, preferring to cook my own iftar dishes on days that I berbuka at home, but I was back on rice, or su'un. And lotsa gravy. I learned one dish per day and as my cooking repertoire grew, so did my tummy and hips. You'd think I'd pull back, haha, but noooo.
The scaled showed that I gained only 1kg after all the bingeing so I thought, meh, I'll just swim, that'll keep the weight off. Well, it did, for a while. But at the pace I was going, swimming wasn't much of a help. I swam but boy oh boy did I ate. The fact that my clothes were starting to feel kinda snug didn't stop me. I ignored my body and instead concentrated on the scale. The scale doesn't lie, and if I'm not gaining any kgs I can't be getting fat again, right. It was such a lame denial and of course I knew better than that. But just like any addiction, the pleasures of the tongue ruled me and any willpower I had flew out of the window. By raya, I had gained another one or 2kgs but my body was showing way more than just a few kgs. Hello obvious double chin, goodbye defined waist shape and small lower belly.
This year, as of right now, I'm wrestling with a hugeeeee guilty conscience. I've spiraled down so much. So so much.
I stopped swimming after the condo's pool closed for a few weeks sometime early this year. When they reopened the pool, my will had already abated. Too many kids and students swimming for me to get a proper workout, I told myself. Just as the kids tire of their pool parties, I was already working late and going home after 10pm almost daily. After a while, I felt no guilt for not swimming. Weekends were for rest and mind recuperation. It was home, dvd and food, or out with friends which meant even more food. After a while there were no more night jogs (friends and family were concern about my safety) and no more brisk walking during the day as well. I have gained back my muffin top that I so happily said goodbye to in 2012. Jeans and pants are now tight. I feel like popping the button kinda tight. I refuse to wear my old clothes... i know they'd still be too roomy but I'm afraid that I'd feel a lot comfortable in them and grew back into them. Seram wooo. I must stop. I know I must. But.... there's alway a but.
I was so lucky that for 29 years, I was obese without any other complications / diseases. No blood pressure issues, no body pain, no back problem, no usual sickness of the obese. The only problems I had were my asthma (since I was a kid), sinusitis and a messed up face. They did improve a bit when I was working out, but now that I've stopped, the weird hormonal acne stuff are mushrooming again.
Now that I'm into my third decade, I'm noticing changes in my body and metabolism. Feels like the possibility of becoming more susceptible to diseases are expanding, but it's not something I'd like to wait and see. I'm almost freaking out, dude. Yet still too lazy. What the hell is happenin, man?
I seriously need to get into the frame of mind I was in back in 2011. I have to. I desperately need it.
Please Ya Allah make me find my way again.
It's not just losing the weight so I look better. No. This isn't a vain issue.
This is not wanting to die at the age of 40, or younger.