31 in a month. and nothing.

Tuesday, April 09, 2013

There is nothing.
Just a sense of foreboding emptiness.

It’s like a part inside is seeping away.

My heart, the quads.
Three are full, brimming with love and hope and the magic of family, career, friends, the wonders of life and all its spellbinding amalgam.

But that one quad… remains empty. Mocking. It’s like that one wall you have in your house that you keep bare for that one piece of art that will define who you really are… but never gets filled because, well, because nothing reflects you. Warms you. Touches your heart and fills your glass to the brim. 

And it just dawned on me – this space will never get filled.
Some people find their jigsaw piece, early in life, or a little later.
Some find a few pieces; each uniquely fits in different times of their lives.
And some, very few, finds nothing.
No final piece. No finishing touch. No wisdom tooth. 

I guess that’s me. My cup remains half full.
I have a strong feeling it will remain stagnant till the day I am one with earth again. 

No shit. 

I don’t know if this dawning is the making or breaking of me.

I’m digesting this. Slowly. One pin drop at a time.
How do you resign to the fact that you will ‘never have’? I’m still trying.

Like that old Coldplay song, I’m just running around chasing tails and in the end I’m back here. Back at one, all the time.

How do you make sense of all that?

No puedo comprender. But I will, one day. I hope.   

And yes, I do not have a Wisdom Tooth. No shit.


My name starts with M said...

i always have this kinda feeling.
and everytime it happens i would say this to myself: bersangka baiklah pada Allah..

azyze said...

insyaallah. amin

mizzyN said...

i came here a couple of times already. typed a million things here, but nothing sounded right. so i'm gonna slip away and say c'est la vie. wallow in the moment you are in because once you actually get to the moment that you wanted, you'll deeply miss this moment. but deep inside you will know that - Allah knows the right for you. get it?

mizzyN said...

but deep inside you will know that - Allah knows the best for you. get it?

azyze said...

Thanks Nadh. I totally get you. In no way am I questioning god, I know he knows best. It's just wrestling with the possibility of 'being alone might be my best' that's a blow.

La tahzan wala takhaaf.

azyze said...
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