31 in a month. and nothing.

Tuesday, April 09, 2013

There is nothing.
Just a sense of foreboding emptiness.

It’s like a part inside is seeping away.

My heart, the quads.
Three are full, brimming with love and hope and the magic of family, career, friends, the wonders of life and all its spellbinding amalgam.

But that one quad… remains empty. Mocking. It’s like that one wall you have in your house that you keep bare for that one piece of art that will define who you really are… but never gets filled because, well, because nothing reflects you. Warms you. Touches your heart and fills your glass to the brim. 

And it just dawned on me – this space will never get filled.
Some people find their jigsaw piece, early in life, or a little later.
Some find a few pieces; each uniquely fits in different times of their lives.
And some, very few, finds nothing.
No final piece. No finishing touch. No wisdom tooth. 

I guess that’s me. My cup remains half full.
I have a strong feeling it will remain stagnant till the day I am one with earth again. 

No shit. 

I don’t know if this dawning is the making or breaking of me.

I’m digesting this. Slowly. One pin drop at a time.
How do you resign to the fact that you will ‘never have’? I’m still trying.

Like that old Coldplay song, I’m just running around chasing tails and in the end I’m back here. Back at one, all the time.

How do you make sense of all that?

No puedo comprender. But I will, one day. I hope.   

And yes, I do not have a Wisdom Tooth. No shit.

Hard slap in the face. Wake up call, if you may.


28 tahun tidak menjejakkan kaki ke Sabah. Memori tinggal di Sabah dulu pun kabur, seolah mimpi bertabir sifon... rose tinted bits and pieces.
A flash of me standing by a pier, the wind blowing my hair awry. Me walking with mak and bapak in the Philippino Market, colourful sea shells hanging everywhere. The sound of a faraway windchime. The coldness of mak's office when she'd have to take me to work if she was on night duty. And an orangy cotton dress, lace socks and white mary janes.
Funny how some things stick with you, and some don't. For example, I can't really remember specific details of my trip to Japan back in '98 (unless I sit down and think real hard), but a whiff of certain type of perfume or miso and I'd be transported back to the small town of Kamigori, to the cozy Mizutani abode where I stayed throughout my cultural exchange programme. Oka-san preparing our bento, Chie-san telling me how excited she was that we were going to cycle all the way to school (10km+ of hills!), and One-san doing his weird Japanese dance upon  receiving the kain pelikat I brought him.
I wonder if Sabah will be familiar, or if it'll just be another foreign city.
p/s: I didn't bring my camera... mainly because I will be working thru the weekend, but also because there's nothing like truly living the experience without worrying about aperture and compositions.
See you in a few days!