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missing before time

Monday, August 13, 2012

"I'm miserable. I'm half empty," she said.


I looked at her. She looked nothing like her statement. There she was, smiling wide, tossing her glorious auburn hair that never seem to be out of place. Her flawless skin looked dewy fresh, her lips glistened with the latest shade and her dressing resonated an image that often taunts men of all ages. Most of all, she radiates confidence. She's what you would call a badass -- came-saw-conquered kind of lady. Always sure of herself, she never settles for second best, even if that means stepping on someone else's toes when the occasion calls for it.


And there she was, telling me she felt empty.


"Aku taknak raya lah. Aku taknak balik rumah parents aku. Aku nak duduk kat KL je."


"Nanti lagi diorang risau. I think you need your family now more than ever."


She stopped smiling. She turned her head towards me, and her eyes betrayed her cheerful features.

"I've made myself believe that he is the one for me. So now I don't know how to continue. One and a half years... that was all we had."


I didn't know what to say. A divorce is always hard to face, especially when it comes to celebrations and family gathering. I've seen cousins and friends go thru hell, and everyone else awkwardly pretending that everything is fine when obviously nothing was.


"You know what I miss the most?" She asked.


I shook my head sideways."What?"


"The eye-crinkle he has when he disagrees with me. And how he fills the bed that I only get a quarter of it. And how I have been dressing not for myself, but for him, you know, shopping clothes and shoes and jewellery that I think will please him. How do I go back to what I was? That woman seems lightyears ago."


"You will get thru, babe. You will. Insyaallah."


As she wiped the one single tear I see threatening to fall down and ruin her perfect makeup, I find myself reflecting on my own self. How I long to be in love and be loved again... always wishing to be in a relationship to 'fill in the gap' in my heart, although from past experiences I know  I've always felt more bereft after each relationship crashes. Not that I have gone thru many, but enough to know that heartaches of that kind are the worst.


Issues of the heart are damn complicating.


We paid our bills for iftar and left the restaurant. As we walked to her car, she turned and excitedly said " I think I'll go to Korea! Beraya at a skiing lodge is awesome!" her sadness vanished into thin air as she walked her usual 'I'm gorgeous' trot.


A group of girls nearby looked at her enviously. Lucky devil, one of then whispered.


If only they knew.


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2 comments:

thoyol said...

Sigh..

A norm nowadays. A happy, confident person from external but internally messed up..

Yet people so envy of things that only reflected on the surface..

azyze said...

thoyol:
i agree. i thin we need to realize that the term "grass is greener on the other side" is sarcasm and not a dream to pursue.