He knew she was upset. He knew he was to blame for her silent tears.
"I'm sorry. I know I've hurt you. But you understand why I'm doing this, don't you?"
She closed her eyes in an effort to stop the trickle of tears from streaking down her cheeks. Her breath heaved heavier every time she drew it in.
"Yes, I understand. I wish I didn't, but I do. I wish I could damn you to hell, but I understand perfectly well why you are opting out from this relationship."
He gulped. It wasn't going to be easy. But then again, he didn't expect it to be.
"I have begun to learn to love you, Mel. But... I guess it's best if we stop now. You know I want..." he couldnt finish his words.
"You want kids... I didn't ask for this to happen, you know. One second I was imagining us, married, building a family together, next thing I know I have cancer, and woke up in this bed with my womb removed," She said, her voice quivering."Of course you wouldn't want us to continue. Why would you, now that I am useless?"
"You make me sound like a heartless bastard," he said, defensively."This isn't easy for me too."
She looked away, concentrated her mind instead on the slow drip flowing from the hanging bottle through the tube inserted on the back of her hand, in the injection needle straight into her body through swollen veins.
Tip. Tap. Tip. Tap. Each drop seems to punctuate her sealed fate. Tip. You. Tap. Will. Tip. Never. Tap. Bear. Tip. Children.
He took her unpierced hand, engulfed it in his huge palms. He could see her infinite sadness and he knew he needed to get it over and done with. Yes, he thought he might have found his future wifewhen he met her, but love is not the only factor in his planned course of life. He must be rational and logical of thought. What would life without children be like? They might be happy now.. but years down the line, what will his family say? What will he be like then, knowing that he could have had a family with someone else, but instead did the noble thing? He wasn't willing to find out.
She knew he was about to say goodbye. For good. She could feel his guilt seeping through his skin. It permeated the air, it hung like heavy clouds about to burst with a torrent of unimaginable wreckage. It was begging to feel like she was the most pathetic human being, and she knew that if he changed his mind and decided to stay for pity's sake, they would both suffer. Him for staying without really wanting to, and she for tying him down with sympathy.
"You're free to go, Kay. Don't worry about me. I will be fine. I am a strong woman. I might be the best thing you never had, but I guess we both deserve better than this rut. Go on... and don't apologize. I free you of any guilt," she said,her jaw hard with determination.
He stood, stunned and speechless. He was letting him off without so much a plea, much less a fight.
"Don't say anything. Please go."
He was silent as he squeezed her hand one last time and then he turned around and walked to the ward door. He turned to look at her one last time."I hope you find happiness with the right person, one day."
As he stepped out, she heard her heart breaking into a million pieces, and knew that she will never be able to be whole again.
It hurts to let go, but knowing you will never know what it is like to have something so precious hurts more.
Unwanted. Always. Forever.
(Inspired by a friend. Get well soon, sweety. We love you.)
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