Friday, June 22, 2012
He knew she was upset. He knew he was to blame for her silent tears.
"I'm sorry. I know I've hurt you. But you understand why I'm doing this, don't you?"
She closed her eyes in an effort to stop the trickle of tears from streaking down her cheeks. Her breath heaved heavier every time she drew it in.
"Yes, I understand. I wish I didn't, but I do. I wish I could damn you to hell, but I understand perfectly well why you are opting out from this relationship."
He gulped. It wasn't going to be easy. But then again, he didn't expect it to be.
"I have begun to learn to love you, Mel. But... I guess it's best if we stop now. You know I want..." he couldnt finish his words.
"You want kids... I didn't ask for this to happen, you know. One second I was imagining us, married, building a family together, next thing I know I have cancer, and woke up in this bed with my womb removed," She said, her voice quivering."Of course you wouldn't want us to continue. Why would you, now that I am useless?"
"You make me sound like a heartless bastard," he said, defensively."This isn't easy for me too."
She looked away, concentrated her mind instead on the slow drip flowing from the hanging bottle through the tube inserted on the back of her hand, in the injection needle straight into her body through swollen veins.
Tip. Tap. Tip. Tap. Each drop seems to punctuate her sealed fate. Tip. You. Tap. Will. Tip. Never. Tap. Bear. Tip. Children.
He took her unpierced hand, engulfed it in his huge palms. He could see her infinite sadness and he knew he needed to get it over and done with. Yes, he thought he might have found his future wifewhen he met her, but love is not the only factor in his planned course of life. He must be rational and logical of thought. What would life without children be like? They might be happy now.. but years down the line, what will his family say? What will he be like then, knowing that he could have had a family with someone else, but instead did the noble thing? He wasn't willing to find out.
She knew he was about to say goodbye. For good. She could feel his guilt seeping through his skin. It permeated the air, it hung like heavy clouds about to burst with a torrent of unimaginable wreckage. It was begging to feel like she was the most pathetic human being, and she knew that if he changed his mind and decided to stay for pity's sake, they would both suffer. Him for staying without really wanting to, and she for tying him down with sympathy.
"You're free to go, Kay. Don't worry about me. I will be fine. I am a strong woman. I might be the best thing you never had, but I guess we both deserve better than this rut. Go on... and don't apologize. I free you of any guilt," she said,her jaw hard with determination.
He stood, stunned and speechless. He was letting him off without so much a plea, much less a fight.
"Don't say anything. Please go."
He was silent as he squeezed her hand one last time and then he turned around and walked to the ward door. He turned to look at her one last time."I hope you find happiness with the right person, one day."
As he stepped out, she heard her heart breaking into a million pieces, and knew that she will never be able to be whole again.
It hurts to let go, but knowing you will never know what it is like to have something so precious hurts more.
Unwanted. Always. Forever.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Last night I dreamt that I went to the cinema feeling awesomely rad in a pair of bootcut dusty blue jeans and a pair of white hi-cut sneakers with the logo of a lightning bolt embossed on the sides. I can't recall any real shoe brands with that logo, but I remember feeling glee wearing them that I woke up with a smile on my face.
Just realized that it's been a long time since I wore sneakers. For the past one year or so, it has been heels to work and flats or Mary Janes for casual wear. And workout shoes. That's it. My pair of sneakers at home are torn in a few places and the soles are worn off but I never got to replacing them with a new pair.
I miss dressing up in baggy jeans, devil may care tees and a pair of dirty sneakers, hehe. The good ol days. I think my PR mananger would probably get a mild cardiac arrest if I dress up like so to work hehe. She's taken it upon herself to make sure that I dress appropriately -- like how someone who works with a beauty company dresses. She's been spot checking me, especially my shoes. The other day, I was on my way to the surau in my flats (nak gi surau, malas nak catwalk) and she poked her head out from her room and went "Elle, where are your heels? Tak mau la pakai flatsssss"
See, the challenges of reinventing yourself. Dah all dolled up, tak boleh nak selekeh-selekeh dah. Benchmarks could be motivational, but when you're benchmark against yourself, lemme tell you, it ain't easy dude. I wonder how athletes could push themselves to achieve and achieve more, be a champ and sustain. I'm struggling to sustain my healthy lifestyle habit. It's so hard to do, especially when the environment you're in beckons you to slip back into the old habits. Not being able to workout after office hours is sapping my energy off too. Cabaran...
Monday, June 18, 2012
It baffles me yet again, how someone as crazy as Jodi is marrying someone as silent and blank as Wan. But then again they say the most silent are often the kinkiest so... hahahaha!
Just yesterday I saw a man pushing a cartful of junk. He was wearing a blue runner's shorts, a tattered red shirt and he looked very dirty. But he had the buffest arms and legs, and I could see a six-pack thru his shirt. He had strong shoulders, like those of a swimmer's, and I thought "How could this crazy-ass dude have an ultra-toned body?
Just then, he raised his hands up ala Sun Salutation and his shorts rode low. I could not believe my eyes when I saw his man-cleavage! You know, those V thingies ultra-toned guys have on their lower tummy when they're really lean. Fffffffffuuuuuuuu apakah?
Two seconds later I tore my eyes away because I was starting to feel like a pervert. Apakah mengusha abs mamat homeless korek sampah? I am so wacked and gile pervy.
I guess The Man has his ways of balancing out things, you know. A guy could be filthy rich but look like his mom had him in CHernobyl, while a crazy man gets the body of a demi-god. We can't all be perfect, right.
it baffles my mind.
Wait, does the fact that I'm still thinking about it makes me a perv? *shudders*
They might not be physically here, but they're always within us, and we are always with them.
I miss you, Shani.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
I'm am typing this in the train, still feeling a little lightheaded. Pardon any inconsistent ramblings, if any.
Anyway, I went to bed pretty happy and chillax last night. I have no idea how things could screw up as it did this morning:
1. Woke up with the worst headache, and sneezing like nobody's business
2. Realized that I was late
3. Went on autopilot mode. Barely noticed myself showering, putting clothes on, switching lights off etc
4. Saw reflection in the mirror, nose looks like Rudolf. Whatever, I was feeling shitty so didn't bother with makeup.
5. Walked to the commuter station, feeling awful but at least it's Friday.
6. Realized that its actually Wednesday, and that I have jeans on. Eff it!
7. Train got delayed for the longest time!
8. Went to wait for a cab instead, and none wanted to go to Pj.
9. Eff it, went back in and saw that train is moving again. Got on one, slow but ok lah
10. Just realized that I look like a wreck. I hope my shyness is uber enough to pass as stylish
Am almost in pj, but I'm so late, I'm sure my time off is now a half day.
Wacked. Just wacked.
Please excuse me now, I gotta wipe off my snot.