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Wrote this on a tissue paper, sometime back

Sunday, October 30, 2011

I am a Tauro.

It has been said that we Taureans are patient and reliable. We are warmhearted and loving. We could be very placid, and we are secure. We are loving, and we are persistant, we can be very determined, well, most of the time, that is.


Very true.


But I think you should also know,
that we are


jelous,
we are posessive.

We can be self-indulgent, and we can be greedy.
And we can be resentful and inflexible.



If you are here, you are mine and mine only.
If you can't be that, then you better leave now.
Before hearts are broken, and before I hate myself all the more.


- The Curve, coffee, alone

Ponderland

Friday, October 28, 2011


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Sempadan minda

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

I believe in everything until it's disproved. So I believe in fairies, the myths, dragons. It all exists, even if it's in your mind. Who's to say that dreams and nightmares aren't as real as the here and now?

- John Lennon

Obsessing

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Terasa seperti mahu kembali kepada benda-benda lama yang selalu buat aku gembira dulu.

Bila aku kata gembira, aku maksudkan separa miserable. Mungkin manusia macam aku sedikit fakap. Aku si melankolik yang hanya berasa hidup bila aku perlu memuja dari jauh, bermuram dalam gelap malam mengenang masa depan, bergelumang dengan rasa kesunyian yang berpanjangan.

Susah untuk benar-benar gembira.

Sebab gelak tawa cuma singgah sementara. Setiap kali aku benar gembira, aku pasti tersungkur tak lama selepas itu.

Aku sukar percaya hidup aku boleh benar-benar jumpa puncak kebahagiaan dan kekal di situ. Memang benda itu mustahil pun untuk sesiapa, menjumpai kebahagiaan yang berkekalan. Tapi aku rasa ramai yang mampu be at peace dengan diri sendiri.... cuma aku belum sampai plateau itu. Aku perempuan bastardo yang suka duduk dalam lopak keresahan yang aku cipta sendiri.

Mungkin kau rasa itu bodoh.
Mungkin.

Ah, kita semua ada kelemahan masing-masing. Kita semua ada kryptonite peribadi. Aku, perempuan paling optimistik di kalangan orang, tapi sebenarnya pesimis terhadap diri sendiri.

Sebab itu aku rasa buang masa korang cuba nak berkawan dengan aku. Huhu. Betul.


Aku sudah mula cari dadah keresahan dan longing aku minggu ini, tanpa disedari.

Blower's Daughter berputar tanpa henti di telinga.
Terasa ingin baca kembali Hannibal dan live again the rich, self-revelation experience of Hannibal Lecter and Clarice Starling.
Mahu mula menulis atas paksi lama, menulis kembali cerita-cerita jiwa yang lama cuba dipendam.


Hmm... apakah?


p/s: On a lighter note, Nanowrimo akan bermula dalam 2 minggu. Berjayakah aku siapkan novel aku sepanjang November? Entah. Tapi aku mahu cuba. Kali ini mahu menulis cerita dari hati, bukan plot rekaan. We'll see how that goes.

Fern under the rock

Monday, October 17, 2011

Dabi telefon aku awal pagi Ahad. Aku masih tidur lena, dengan suara mamai aku jawab telefon.

"Urrhhmmmm?"

"Babe, aku sedih babe."

Huh, Dabi lelaki ceria yang tak pernah ada masalah jiwa tiba-tiba sedih? Lelaki bermulut keji yang tak pernah terlintas nak jaga hati orang dari ketelusannya tu tiba-tiba sudah terasa?

"Huh, Dabi ke ni?" suara aku serak-serak manja mengada, memang macam tu kalau aku baru bangun tidur (bukan aku kata, someone else kata!), cepat cepat aku betulkan. "Ko kenapa nak meroyan-" aku tengok jam henfon "-pepagi pukul 9.45 ni?"

Diam di talian. Aku gosok-gosok mata. Tengok skrin henfon kot-kot lah dia sudah letak. Eh, masih ada.

"Bi, ko ade ke tak ni?"

Diam lagi. Tapi aku dengar bunyi esakan. Menangis pulak... "Bi, kenapa ni... Cakap je lah. Ko kat mana ni? Nak aku pegi jumpa ko ke?"

Esakan dia makin kuat. Aku dapat bayangkan bahu dia bergoyang, tangan menekup muka, air mata mengalir bercantum dengan hingus yang pada masa ini mungkin sudah bercurah ke atas bibir, menitik ke baju spandeks hijau/kuning/pink yang dia suka sangat pakai tu.

Aku baru nak bukak mulut, suaranya menerpa

"Aku baru tau Ahmad Jais dah meninggal! Babi kau tak bagitau akuuuuuu!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Kedepek! Dia putuskan panggilan. Aku cakap kedepek sebab Dabi ada one of those ultra-uber usb phones berganggang yang boleh dicucuk pada henfon, although it defeats the purpose of having a small phone kalau nak kena bawak manbag letak ganggang tu ke merata tempat.

Pening aku.
Semenjak bila dia suka Arwah Ahmad Jais ni?

Aku sambung tidur balik.



Berapa kitab kau ada?

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Berapa kitab kau ada?

Belum tentu lagi dapat selamatkan kau dari masalah besar kau.
Belum tentu dapat bantu kau cerna pengetahuan yang sibuk kau timba.
Belum tentu boleh buka mata hati kau pada kebutaan yang menghijab kepala.

Sebab

Kau dah lama mati di mata aku.

Quick Update

Fans rejoice!
Never Mind The Buzzcocks season 25 has arrived!

After a year of nothingness, the badass music quiz show is back on air. Team captains Noel Fielding and Phil Jupitus are back to lead, although they haven't found Amstell's replacement yet, so it's still different host, different week.

I have no idea why they chose David Hasslehoff as the first host, and he sure had fans crying foul. If NMTB wants to keep the rotation going, they should at least consider paying the good few that could actually do the job without scripting (or at least read the script better than Hasslehoff).

I'd prefer they get the ol hosts like Amstell and Lamarr to take turns, together with some of the awesome guest hosts they've had, like Frankie Boyle, Tim Minchin, Alex James... Wait, they should just persuade Boyle to do it. He's a gem!

Buzzcocks is back, yay!
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Tongue on you

Monday, October 10, 2011

Testing the new old gadget. And yes, that is my battered but wonderfulky awesome Desire you see there in the pic :)
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Janie Ada Sepucuk Pistol

Life's been very very very hectic the past few weeks.
Things went a lot crazier last week.
I was tempted to bang my head on my desk a few times, but good thing I prevailed. Heheh.

My personal life took a turn too.. well, more like a small bend, but still, it's something new and nowadays I find myself counting on new things to perk me up. I'm making it a mission to do something new every week. Those metal CDs u see me listening to on the right bar of this blog, yup, new ear candies. Although I must say, they're not exactly that sweet to the ears. Too much jazz and pop has mellowed me down, or perhaps I have only been listening to commercial metals like Metallica and Rammstein. Time to up my game and start experimenting again.


Learned a few things about myself too:






  1. After making a gazillion calls to the UK, I now know that I have a pretty 'unique, kinda weird American-tinted' accent. All this while, I thought I sound like the typical Malaysian. Not Kelantanese / Kedah pekat kinda Manglish, but you know, average Jane from KL kinda English. Oh well.



  2. No amount of Mock The Week or Frankie Boyle stand-up dvds could save me from going "what's that again?" when speaking to Scots. I had to really really listen to understand. Best thing was, when I spoke back in my normal slang, they went 'huh' too. Had to put up a fake British accent for them to understand. From there on, they started spewing slangs like I was born on the highlands hahahaa! "Och luv, I'll be miffed if you don't. One moment, I'll be back in a jiffy, swear on me Da's grave I will!"



  3. I managed to pull off things I never knew I could before. Despite my supposedly high confidence level (pfffttt!), I could be quite insecure sometimes. Insecure, unsure, always second guessing myself, so it's good to know that when I put my mind to it, concentrate and give it my 100% 'oh what the eff let's just get it over and done with', I could actually execute pretty extraordinary stuff. Hehe. Cheers to miss fearless me haha



  4. I'm still pretty much scared of IT. Read the book for the hundredth time, so that's kinda helping me with my Pennywise issue. However, I was not ready yesterday when I stumbled upon the IT dvd at Wangsa Walk. Shite, the sight of Pennywise grinning on the cover gave me the bajeebies! I mean, instant goosebumps and I felt like crying right there and then. This clown phobia is getting worse by the day and I need to do something about it soon. I didn't buy the DVD though, it was going for cheap but urrgghhh, I couldn't make myself hold the dvd pun. I think I'd have to ask my sister to purchase it for me. And this time, no horror movie session at night like we always do. IT has to be seen during the day, with the curtains drawn back, and perhaps with the doors open as well. But then again, I might bawl my eyes out or go hysterical, so I should probably consider a straightjacket as well. I really really hope I'll be able to face my coulrophobia. Damn you Pennywise, I will conquer this dastardly effect you have on me, I swear I will!





I have a bucketful of things to write about here, but so little time to get things organized enough for an entry. Soon though. I promise :)

Have a good week, minions!




Terasa kecik di sisi Les Paul

Monday, October 03, 2011

Ada impian yang nak kena setel sebelum hujung tahun tamat. Impian yang dah lama tertangguh akibat sifat prokrastinasi aku yang maaakkkkk aiiiiii penangguh lain pun takut nak compete.

Time ni lah juga lagu Kembara nak mengiang di telinga. Lagu cari duit yang tak jumpa-jumpa tu.

Ada seorang kawan selalu ingatkan aku, jangan kata 'tak ada duit', tapi kata ada duit tapi bukan untuk buat x dan x. Katanya, kata-kata itu doa dan kalau cukup 44 kali aku cakap aku takde duit, ada potensi untuk aku bankrup dengan sekelip mata. Seram jugak, walaupun duit dalam bank tu berapa kerat je.

Aku rasa dalam berapa bulan terakhir ni, payah jugak untuk aku kejarkan benda-benda yang kengkononnya aku nak buat sebelum 2012 menjengah. Yeah yeah I keep repeating myself like a broken record... nak kena ketukkan dalam kepala hotak supaya aku tak terbabas lagi. Banyak sangat temptations... panggilan berjimba, seruan bersosial, tuntutan kekeluargaan, bayaran komitmen dan yang paling ketara, unnecessary stresses yang buat aku makin stress dan infinitely cari channel melepaskannya, tapi semua menjahanamkan diri. Seperti nak sarapan epal tapi stres kerja London deal ni punya pasal, terus rasa nak turun kafe pegi beli nasi lemak sambal banjir. Atau melencong ke KLCC lepas kerja kang and blow a few hundred bucks at La Senza and M&S. Nasi baik aku ada la gak ketahanan diri. Kalau tak, silap-silap aku dah ada library bra dah kot.

Aahhhh malas betul buat kerja menunggu! (Org meeting ngan aku ni kna panggil dgn boss dia pulak. Dah 30 minit aku tunggu ni. Haish). Ni ada jugak aku gi beli nasi lemak ni kang.

Dah la, nak gi usha blogshops ah.

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