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Lament of the brokenhearted

Sunday, August 07, 2011

I feel so lonely. I miss you.

It's been some time, I know I should move on.
Well, easier said than done.

You know, when we were together, it felt too good to be true. I prayed to the Almighty to show me the right path: if you are the best for me then protect our relationship, but if we were not meant to be, please show me signs so I could survive without scalding my heart too much.

Well, He sure did show me, huh?


I should forget you. Move on.
But it is, you know, easier said than done.


I keep myself busy, writing a lot, going out with friends, spending more time with my family, seeking solace thru music... but when I lay down in bed right before I sleep or when I wake up in the morning, the emptiness creeps in. A flashcard floats in my mind, a harsh neon blinking 'it's over, he doesn't care'.

I know this is part and parcel of life. You love, you lose, you heal. I'm old enough to know that you don't always get what you want, and that at some few points in life, people you trust the most are going to let you down. I know that and I have made peace with the fact.

But

Remember how you told me that you felt I'm too careful, too scared to let you in, too sceptical about love and too untrusting? And how I told you that my heart is like a well protected castle; I have a moat with alligators, and sharp lances and brick walls; and it's never too easy to penetrate, but once you are in, you'll always be a part of it?

Well you did get in. You broke down all barriers, you got me talking about things I fear and things I dream of, things I never have told a soul. You got inside... and you screwed it up. And now I am left with a broken down castle -- bricks blown to pieces, moat destroyed, warriors dead, and my heart trampled.

Such is the way of life, huh?

I'm not bitter over our parting. Maybe your method was pretty harsh and unfair, but I've come to terms that I have flaws that I need to address, and you have issues you need to face too. I'm not good enough for you and I guess God is saving me for something and someone better.

A dear one said to me recently, Allah tak bagi apa yang kita rasa terbaik, tapi dia akan bagi apa yang terbaik untuk kita.

And I guess he's right.
I'm not your terbaik, and neither are you, my terbaik.

But I miss our good mornings and good nights, the calls throughout the day, the smses and the whatsapp messages, the laughters and the tears we shared... I miss them. I can't bear to delete the almost 1000 messages we sent each other because it had a part of us in there. I still keep your number, I still check my phone the first thing in the morning for your misscalls and I still try to avoid the places we went to.

I know I shouldn't dwell. I know I should exorcise you from my mind and soul. I know this is not healthy.

But some things are easier said than done.


Ramadhan is a tsunami of emotions for me this year... I got heartbroken but I'm closer to God and those who love me, I'm getting in the groove with my new job, I'm already in pace with my new lifestyle... I'm still cheerful and fun outside but pretty melancholy inside, just like Pagliacci, but I'm learning to adept and change.

Now, if only I can ease this loneliness...


God, please give me the strength to accept the things that I cannot change, and to change what I should and could to be a better person. Grant me peace and serenity, grant me a soul not easily scarred.

Sigh.
I should stop.


Thank you for making me happy, giving me so much during our brief time together. I have learned a few things with you, some of them hard to swallow, but necessary. You will always be my 'almost', and I guess you will always be a part of me. But don't feel bad if one day you're no longer a part of my soul... for that part I'm reserving for that one person He has yet to send my way.


Zuhur is coming soon and it's my time to talk to the Man. I hope you don't miss yours (I used to miss mine too but I guess I've changed for the better?), I hope you don't smoke as much, please take care of yourself and I wish you the best.


Me? I'm learning to let you go.
But some things are easier said than done.

Assalamualaikum.
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12 comments:

dewajiwa said...

luahan yang redha.
memang tokoh seorang penulis-kopi jelas terserlah. even it can easily make any reader grasped by the I-feel-you mood, in the very same time it soothe the mind to digest and enjoy (in a good way) reading it.

err.. adept? or adapt?
btw, masa -- adalah pengubat paling world. recommended. dapatkan di farmasi berdekatan. cepat sembuh ye

azyze said...

dewa:
typos are unavoidable when you write from a small phone, no proof-reading, unwanted auto-spellceck and with perhaps too much emotion.

thanks for the look up. satni i tukar okeh. and yeah, time. i've subscribed :)

mizzyN said...

Terima kasih berkongsi kisah misteri kisah dia yang 'almost' itu.

azyze said...

mizzy:
felt like i should write it down, get it out of my system. sorry i cant speak about it when you asked. you know me. aku cuma boleh menulis untuk meluah perasaan.

roxychick said...

fuh. ramai jugak yang menanti entry misterius ni. eh, 3 orang pon ramai ape.... :P

gua pon bersyukur dengan entry sedikit sebanyak ni. kalau nak harap lu cerita depan-depan, memang dalam mimpi pon lu takkan cerita kan hahaha!

kambus lubang luka tu cepat-cepat dengan lamb kabsah restoran saba. jom?

take care adek! :*

azyze said...

pah:
thanks kakak.

Anonymous said...

skrg i paham mengapa awk sgt berlainan kebelakangan ini...

when i read i can feel the pain...sabar ye sayang...insyaallah ade sinar dihujung sana...

hugnkisses...kak wat

azyze said...

K.wat:
Thanks... I x reti nak cerita. Lagipun I xnak orang rasa kesian n simpati, tanya2 pasal I x rasa I nak pikir. Kalo boleh I nak move on. Insyaallah....

school of thoughts said...

OMG. As one of your bff, i am feeling so guilty for not reading this earlier. thank God i have time in confinement period.
Gosh. Whatever it is, keep that smile. we are all here for you, as always... :)

azyze said...

Aida:
Thanks dear. Jangan kecik ati aku x cerita these things okay. You know me...

My name starts with M said...

ouch.
lemme share something i found on other's blog (x ingat blog sape, mintak izin share...)

Ya Allah jika aku jatuh cinta, cintakanlah aku pada seseorang yang melabuhkan cintanya padaMu, agar bertambah kekuatanku untuk menyintaiMu.
Ya Muhaimin,jika aku jatuh hati, izinkanlah aku menyentuh hati seseorg yg hatinya tertaut padaMu agar tak terjatuh aku dlm jurang cinta nafsu.
Ya Rabbana, jika aku jatuh hati, jagalah hatiku padanya agar tidak berpaling dari hatiMu..
Ya Rabbul Izzati, jika aku rindu, rindukanlah aku pada seseorang yang merindui syahid di jalanMu..

azyze said...

mas:
thanks mas. i'm moving on.