pretty useless and ugly to boot

Monday, May 02, 2011

Pretty useless, I'll say.

I hate staying up late.

At night things tend to become clearer. Or muddier. Either way, it sucks.

If I hit the sack early, I won't have to think about my shitty self.
No, really, I feel pretty shitty right now.
Been feeling so for the past coupla months.

No, I don't have it that bad. Life has been pretty kind to me. Not wonderful, but decent compared to some. But you know, there comes a time when you hit a brick wall and you just can't seem to climb it. yeah, that's where I am right now.

Damn, I am too old to be having these kinda issues.

At this age I should be able to at least be sure of what I want in life.

Nope. Just checked and I'm still as clueless as ever.

Still doing things that I think I should be doing so that I'll be someone sometime later but still in a rut because who am I kidding, I don't even know if I'm on the right path. Wait, what path?

I don't know anymore.

I'm just tired of doing the right things, I guess.
Living up (or trying to) to expectations is a pretty laborous thing.
In a way, I kinda envy my siblings' ability to screw up their lives and get away with it.
I wish I could simply throw my caution to the wind, let all rationale be damned and simply jump.

Thing is, even when I want to, I couldn't possibly.
I have a big concience. I was brought up to be the sensible one, the responsible one, the obedient one. Be a good example to my sisters and brother.

Much good it did me, huh?
Skema nak mampus. Such a bore. Party pooper. Always worrying about this and that.
Can't even go out without informing my parents because I'm afraid I'll die in an accident or something and they won't know. Or how I can't simply quit my job and be a slob because I now have commitments.

Why the heck did I commit myself, anyway?
Is it to compensate my state of single-ness?
Like, if I have a house, at least I have something rather than nothing at all?

I don't know.

Is it really about money?
Of course money get things moving, and is an essential, but deep down I know it ain't everything.
No, it's not about money. I used to make a lot lesser than I'm doing now and I was happy. Partially happy because I was always a melancolic bitch, but happy nonetheless.

Now I'm.... well, not miserable. I'm in a state of 'open minded' and 'ready to try new things'. But not really happy. You know. Okay maybe you don't.

Writing this down on this supposedly cheery blog is pretty out of character.
But you know what, it's as rebellious as I can go.

Now how sad is that, huh?

I told you staying up late at night sucks.

p/s: Being ugly doesn't have any ups. It's downs downs downs like a bottomless black hole. Trust me, I know.

p/p/s: I'm switching off. Gonna go catch some zzzs, hopefully. You guys stay fun & cheerful, aiight. There's not enough happiness around, and we need 'em bad.
Much love, kids.


roxychick said...

hari tu nampak ok je.. awat jadi lagu ni?


azyze said...

biasa la. tua2 ni emosi sikit. i'm like a sad clown. It's oxymoronic but true :p