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2006

Friday, December 29, 2006

Tahun 2006 semakin ke penghujungnya. Pejam celik pejam celik dah 24 tahun lebih saya di muka bumi. Dah 6 tahun lebih saya tinggalkan alam persekolahan. Dah hampir 2 tahun saya tidak menjejak kaki ke konti UFM (yang saya benar-benar rindu!) dan dah setahun lebih saya di tempat kerja sekarang.

Rasa macam baru semalam saya bertatih menulis perihal gincu, coli, hiasan peribadi dan risalah untuk wakil-wakil. Sekarang dah semakin baik. Alhamdulillah ilmu yang saya timba di pejabat  tak putus-putus lagi. Walaupun kerja menulis ni bunyinya tak teruk, tapi cabarannya lebih secara minda. Ketahanan mental untuk meneruskan kerja seharian memanglah penting. Alhamdulillah, saya agak bertuah kerana menulis juga salah satu minat saya. Rasanya saya memang tidak mungkin melakukan kerja yang tak diminati. Agaknya kalaulah saya tak dapat kerja yang saya boleh layan, mungkin saya masih menganggur sampai sekarang.

Susah kalau jadi orang jiwa kacau ni. Perlu ada kesebatian diri dengan kerja baru boleh jalan. Sesetengah orang lebih mudah berkerja sebab mereka berfikir secara saintifik dan bukan dengan emosi. Saya gelarkan orang-orang sebegini 'orang objektif'. Campaklah kat mana pun boleh berkerja. Kalau saya, mahap la.


Kembali ke topik 2006, pada mulanya saya agak ragu untuk menulis entri penutup bagi tahun ini. Rasa macam tak ada apa yang hebat berlaku ke atas diri saya. Sampailah e-mel dari Unee menyedarkan saya sebaliknya. Sebenarnya tahun ini banyak benda yang dapat saya kecapi. Walaupun taklah sehebat anda, tapi ia amat significant buat diri saya dan ya, saya bias toleh ke belakang merenung 2006 dan berkata dengan lantang, "2006 has been good to me."

Tuah kali pertama
Siapa sangka saya boleh dapat menang cabutan bertuah? 23 tahun melihat nombor orang lain menang, akhirnya saya terpilih di Makan Malam Tahunan syarikat saya. Tempat ketiga pulak tu. Digital kamera Olympus ∏ 600 6.0 megapixel yang saya usung ke sana kemari sekarang. Yang itulah.

Bulan Mac, satu lagi keajaiban. Saja-saja mengisi borang soal jawab di laman Mactopia sementara menanti jawapan troubleshooting tentang eMac saya. Tau-tau saya menang iPod Nano 4gb dari Microsoft. Wohoo! Best gila!

Tahun ini juga saya dihadiahkan benda-benda yang saya idamkan. Selama ini saya tak pernah punya wishlist yang dihebahkan jadi saya selalu dapat benda-benda yang 'suam-suam kuku' gitu (haha). Tapi kawan-kawan lebih beri perhatian tahun ini agaknya. Tini & Madd hadiahkan saya CD John Legend yang pertama, Get Lifted untuk harijadi saya. Sampai menangis saya dibuatnya. Terharu. After years and years of getting framesand other crap...akhirnya. Huhu.
Minggu lepas saya dikejutkan oleh bos saya yang menghulur hadiah. Untuk Krismas dan New Year, katanya. Bukak bukak, rupanya CD Stacey Kent - The Boy Next Door yang saya inginkan selama ini! Saya pernah beritahu sekali lalu yang saya mencari album tersebut. Tak sangka pula dia ingat. Seronok sangat! *terlompat-lompat sambil buat muka comel ala2 kawaiii!*


Sessi berjimba
Wah, tahun ini jumlah saya memanas tekak di pusat karoke... mengkagumkan. Er, sebenarnya...lebih kurang sebulan sekali kot. Tapi mengkagumkanlah bagi orang yang dulu setahun sekali macam saya ni. Yang ini kudos to Ikzal, Unee dan Aida - rakan ronggeng karoke yang paling best dalam sunia! Kalau satu hari nanti saya dapat buat album jaz yang diidam-idamkan tu, y'all the first on the list!


Soul session
Oh, sayangnya saya pada Unee. Sebelum ini saya memang tak ada teman untuk melayan jiwa saya. Bila cakap bab sajak, poetry, literature, jazz, memang saya keseorangan. Tak ramai yang layan. Susah benar nak cari geng. Tapi semenjak Unee kerja di British Council, wah... bestnya. Dah pergi ke performance poetry nights, dah kenal tempat best lepak layan Jazz, pegi situ pegi sini. Semuanya food for the soul. Lazat! Makasih ya buk Unns!

Bicara hati
Firhan. Ya, mamat LRT kontroversi itu. Pertemuan kami satu kebetulan, persahabatan kami satu kebetulan, dan cambah hati saya juga satu kebetulan. Kisah kami memang macam wayang. Dari jumpa sampailah saat berpisah memang macam wayang. (Sesiapa yang nak buat skrip cerita cinta tak kesampaian boleh hubungi saya hahaha) But as some of you know, we didn't let it work out. (Low points of 2006, definitely).

Siapa sangka ada orang yang sedar kewujudan saya dalam LRT setiap hari? Dia cukup gentleman untuk mengambil langkah pertama. The first guy (in many many years) yang berjaya mengajak saya keluar ber'semi-dating'. Yang mendengar cerita-cerita brengsek saya dan berkongsi cerita-cerita hidupnya tanpa berselindung. Ya dari awal memberi signal yang betul (saya tak perlu berteka-teki). Firhan adalah orang pertama yang betul-betul buat saya rasa selesa. I've never been good with guys, tapi dengan Fir saya rasa saya tak perlu pura-pura. He gave the relationship a lot of space to grow, which to me was a great thing, coz I'm not a pro when it comes to matters of the heart. And he made me feel beautiful. Nobody has ever made me feel that. Really. Sounds quite farfetched kan? He was a gem, man. A gem.

Malangnya dia sudah punya pacar. It was just wrong to be with somebody who is already attached. So I stepped back. Ya, kawan-kawan kata "It's not like he's engaged or anything. " Tapi mana mungkin saya hidup mengetahui hati seorang wanita lain remuk kerana saya. Jadi saya tak pernah beritahu Fir yang saya punya perasaan terhadapnya. Saya tak benarkan hati saya bersuara. Once I decided that it shouldn't happen, I made sure it didn't. So for every hint he gave, I jested. It hurts too much, I couldn't let him in. I knew that if I did, I'd die.

Fir sekarang di UK, menyambung pengajian. Kami berpisah sebagai sahabat. Saya tahu dia punya sesuatu untuk diberitahu, tapi saya tolak ke tepi. Kami tolak segalanya ke tepi. Sampai ke akhir, we never took it to the next level. Biarlah. Biar ia terpendam. Dia bukan milik saya. Saya cuma mahu bawa kenangan indah bersama Fir dalam hati.

Dan ya, dia sebahagian besar dari kenangan indah 2006 buat saya.






Thank you 2006. You have made me a better person.
See you all in 2007.
Good night.

I'm...wasting my timeeee....

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
oh my... the only thing that I can think of is singing (screaming, actually) along to Celine Dion's It's All Coming Back To Me Now with Unee in her Kelisa. You should try it. Best done while driving on the highway.

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Oh crap. I hate resolutions coz I never keep them. Last year I decided to keep a daily journal, and that didn't happen. I was suppose to take care of my health too. I'm doing that next year. (Pemalas betul)

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My cousins did. I'm now Aunty Yana. Rasa tua sangat.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Proximity-wise, yes. Tok next door died two days ago.

5. What countries did you visit?
None. I didn't even get my Cuti-Cuti Malaysia holiday.

6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
Love...?

7. What dates from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
18th January 2006 - the day Hannibal connected me to someone equally intriguing.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I think it's maintaining my sanity at home. Haha. I finally get to buy the tonnes of books and CDs that I have always wanted.

9. What was your biggest failure?
The age old problem - losing weight. Vain vain

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
My knee is getting worse. I hope it's nothing serious.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
My current phone. I'm not a gadget-enthusiast, I think spending hundreds on electronics is a big waste. So buying that phone was like, a real sacrifice. And I guess it was worth it.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Unee's. It might not be that substantial to me (coz we've lived together and I'm used to her) but to others, I'm sure it's wayyyy more appealing. So way to go Uns!

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Sometimes...my mom. Oh god now I feel really bad. I take that back.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Bingeing on books and CDs. I'll soon go broke. But I can't stop. It's like an addiction!

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
The poetry performances, rediscovering jazz. Oh, and my music-movies chat sessions with Firhan.

16. What song will always remind you of 2006?
7 Days To Change Your Life - Jamie Cullum

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?
a) nearly the same. b) fatter c)richer

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Play my guitar. It's sitting in the corner, collecting dust. I should go get it tuned soon.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
I should've eaten less. But merry hearts eat a lot, y'know.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
I don't celebrate it, but I had a ball with the remote control ;)

21. Did you fall in love in 2006?
Oh... I think I did.

22. How many one-night stands?
Zero.

23. What was your favorite TV program?
Project Runway, American Next Top Model, American Idol, CSI & The Simpsons.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No, I don't think so.

25. What was the best book you read?
Hannibal. Probably because of the ending. Not the best I've ever read, but it's definitely one of my highlights.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Corinne Bailey Rae, John Legend, Elliot Yamin & The Big Jazz Band.

27. What did you want and get?
Stacey Kent's The Boy Next Door CD! Wohoo!

28. What did you want and not get?
My driving license. Now I don't want it anymore... at all.

29. What was your favourite film of this year?
Oh this one is hard. Er.. The Prestige.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I was singing Sheila Majid's Ku Mohon when the KTV screen went blank at 12.00am. Then the cake came in. everybody singing Happy Birthday. Blow out candles. Had cake. Continue singing. Went home. Slept till late. Watch TV. Yeah, the highlight was that semi-surprise cake thing.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Having someone to drag to weddings, reunions etc. Haha

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
Whatever... (you gotta keep em guessing hehe). Sometimes I go all feminine, sometimes it's just jeans and tees. On certain days I just go with whatever I can grope after having my shower. I have cute skirts, though.

33. What kept you sane?
Hope, faith and music.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I had a major infactuation with Jay McCarroll of Project Runway. How weird was that?

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
A lot of stuff, but I try not to bother.

36. Who did you miss?
MFRI. I've been missing him for 2 years, though. I miss the 8-hour phone chat marathon.

37. Who was the best new person you met?
Nobody best enough to be best. Would interesting do? Jerome Kugan.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006.
Be sincere in everything you do. I realized that when I'm really sincere, I feel happier. It makes the experience a whole lot more enjoyable.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
"Maybe sometimes, we got it wrong, but it's alright
And nothing seems to change, and it all will stay the same.
Oh, don't you hesitate."

40. What will 2007 be like?
Grreeaattttttttttttt!

While I'm waiting for my review to start...

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

1. What made you smile yesterday?
Listening to John Legend's heavenly voice.

2. What were you doing at 8 this morning?
Checking my office emails.

3. What were you doing 15 minutes ago?
Emailing Sandra about Elliot.

4. Something that happened to you in 1995?
I flunked all but one of my Arabic papers.

5. Last thing you said aloud?
Ahaha! Main kutu macam main judi aje!

6. How many different things did you drink today?
2.

8. What color is your toothbrush?
Green. Really nice apple green.

9. What is out your back door?
i think it's Azhar, our psycho (literally) neighbour. Last time I checked he was smooking a ciggie wearing only a crocodile underwear. He used to have this really hot bod, and me and my sis would go "Wei, model Calvin Clien dan keluar tu..". Now he's too unkempt to look good.

10. Last thing you bought?
Lunch.

11. Last gift you received for your recent birthday?
John Legend Get LIfted CD

12. What color is your front door?
Brown. it's stained solid wood.

13. Where do you keep your change?
The official statement would be "in my purse". The truth is they're all loose in my bag.

14. Whats the weather like today?
It rained this morning, now it's cloudy.

15. Best ice cream flavor?
Chocolate Mint.

16. Something you're excited about?
Going for my first lingerie shoot.
Wait, wait...it's not me that's modelling. It's the brochure shoot.

17. Last rainbow you saw?
Sometime last month. Tried to snap pictures but it was too dark to take a clear one.

18. How heavy are you?
Is this question necessary? But the again, is this whole quizlet necessary?

19. Do you have any sisters?
Yes. Two.

20. Are you very random?
Sometimes.

21. Do you want to cut your hair?
Not yet. I have the urge to cut my hair almost every month. But I think I should stick with long hair. Once it gets below my shoulderblades, then I'll go and get that cut.

22. Are you over the age of 22?
Yes.

23. Do you talk alot?
I have so many things to say that I need a blog.

24. Do you watch the oc?
No. Somehow not interested with the new breed of soppy teen dramas. Blame it on 90210.
I'm more of a comedy kinda gal.

25. What day does your school end this year?
School? That's so 6 years ago.

26. Does your screen name have an 'X' in it?
No.

27. Do you know anyone called steve?
Yes.

28. Do you make up your own words?
Who else would do it for me then?

29. Are you ticklish?
Kinda.

30. Are you typically a happy person?
I'd say yes.

31. Do you believe that rules were meant to be broken?
Er.. yes. Not all though. Some.

32. Do you like being challenged?
Depends on who's challenging, and what the chalenge is. I draw the line at stripping Scrabble. Hehehe.

33. Are you generally a cold person?
I don't know. I'm sure I have given that impression once or twice. Unintentionally though. I'm really a warm one.

34. Are you musically inclined?
Oh very.

35. Is laughter the best medicine?
It soothes the mind, but not necessarily the best remedy.

36. What do you do to irritate people?
Hog the conversation, hog the limelight.

37. Are you a dreamer or a thinker?
i'm a 50% -50%.

38. Do you like people to stare at you?
No.

39. Do you prefer giving smiles or getting them?
I like both.

40. Do you admit it when you are wrong?
Sometimes yes, sometimes no.

A new set of chompers

Monday, December 18, 2006

Oh no.

My favourite American Idol, Elliot Yamin went and got his teeth fixed.

No more shy but dazzling smile.
No more cheeky grinned Elliot.
No more proof that someone slightly ugly (coz you can't be all ugly and still be on the idiot box) can actually make it on TV.
No more claims that he got to top three "because he is actually talented".

Now he looks like a retarded version of Ben Stiller.
Oh why why why Elliot...

Inventori tahunan

Sunday, December 17, 2006

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Masa untuk inventori beg sudah tiba!

Setiap tahun, saya akan membuat pengiraan inventori ke atas barangan kepunyaan saya. Dah menjadi rutin tahunan saya untuk mengosongkan beg saya, senaraikan barang dalam beg, dan melihat kembali isi beg pada tahun lalu. Aktiviti yang bagus untuk sesi refleksi diri. Adakah saya telah berubah? Benda yang sama atau banyak benda baru?

Di atas kesetiaan anda semua membaca blog saya saban hari, saya akan benarkan anda melihat peribadi saya. Inilah satu-satunya peluang anda untuk mengenali saya dengan lebih dekat. Kata sebuah laman web pameran bagasi, "Isi beg seseorang itu bagai jendela mindanya."
Betul atau tidak, apa kata anda terus saja membaca.

Disember 2006:
1 Beg kulit lembut putih & gangsa

1 Kotak kaca mata - terpaksa bawa ke merata tempat sebab saya terlalu ganas untuk bergantung padang kantung spek semata-mata. Dan saya pantang kalau ada kesan jari atau apa-apa kotoran pada cermin.

1 Dompet fleur-de-lis hitam- kata kawan saya ia nampak macam pencilbox. Saya memang suka bawa segala benda, jadi purse saya semuanya memang agak bagak. Senang. Nak gambar? Ada. Nak kad? Ada. Duit sen pun boleh sumbat banyak-banyak.

2 inhaler asma - kenapa ada sampai 2 ni? Mungkin saya terambil inhaler yang saya simpan di pejabat. Haha rasa kiasu pulak.

1 pas bulanan lrt - saya kumpul dari pas pertama dibeli selepas belajar.

1 kad pekerja dengan lanyard - berat jugak nak pakai sebab ada pin-pin KGBC, pin red ribbon, pin WAO, pin zodiak, keychain gohan tamago, kunci loker dan pendrive lama. Fuh...banyak juga...

1 keychain Cookie Monster dengan gugus kunci

1 pemegang kad berwarna coklat - asalnya kotak letak rokok, tapi saya rasa ia improvasi yang agak baik. Kemas, elegan, ringkas.
1 handphone zaman batu (tapi saya sayang hehe)

1 iPod nano 4gig dalam stokin kotak-kotak - alamak, nampaknya sarung nano dah ala2 berdaki. Kena cuci ni...

1 pendrive - 1gig. Masuklah segalanya dalam ni.

1 Pen dakwat biru - Rasanya tahun lepas pen dakwat basah hitam. Itu lebih best, tapi yang ini pen tangkap muat.

1 EyeMo - mata sensitive. Penat tengok komputer. Penting ni.

2 pek Halls hitam - saya manusia makan mint. Dua tiub ni bukan tamak, tapi spare hehe!

1 tuala wanita - err... yang ini dah er koyak plastiknya dan sudahpun masuk ke dalam tong sampah. Maaf, barang-barang berenang2 dalam beg, jadi mudah koyak. Er.. hehe ':-z

1 plastik getah rambut hitam - penting. Saya tak boleh hidup kalau rambut diurai. Rasa macam rambut Tina Turner zaman Simply The Best. Bak kata Takuya Kimura dalam dorama Beautiful Life: "Wow...rambut bom."

1 cucuk sanggul plastik - Bila saya rasa malas nak melawa, saya sanggulkan aja rambut. Senang cerita.

1 sikat ungu - senang dan sangat berguna bila rambut tiba-tiba dalam mode 'singa'.

1 setengah pasang subang - Sememangnya saya punya banyak jewellery yang berterabur dalam beg. Selalunya banyak lagi. Kes tinggal sebelah tu dah jadi resmi.

1 bedak asas padat ZA - antara yang punya shade sesuai untuk saya. Susah sikit nak cari tona sepadan jadi saya guna ZA sahaja sekarang. Bobbi Brown? Ai kopaklah kalau macam tu.

1 uncang alat solek yang berisi:
1 maskara XXL Mabelline
1 penggaris mata Avon
1 pelembab bibir Avon
1 pembayang mata Chanel - desert rose
1 pemerah pipi mabelline
1 gloss bibir L'oreal
1 purse concentre Always dari Avon

Duit sen yang berterabur

Cebisan kertas - ada yang dah tak nampak tulisannya. Entah apa-apa saja...

1 buku - macam-macam genre, macam-macam jenis. Sastera Inggeris & Melayu, thriller, true crime, romance, drama, biografi, komik, penyiasatan, budaya, muzik. Buku resipi je belum lagi. Buat masa sekarang saya sedang membaca kisah jenayah benar tulisan Ann Rule. (bukan Anne Rice. Itu penulis The Vampire Chronicles.)

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Jika teringin baca buku jenayah benar, saya syorkan anda baca The Stranger Beside Me oleh Ann Rule. Ia berkenaan Ted Bundy, lelaki kacak, pandai, hebat, dan psycho yang bunuh gadis-gadis secara sadis. Tulisan Ann sangat hebat hinggakan saya jatuh cinta pada seperempat awal buku tersebut, mula marah di tengah, dan takut gila di seperempat terakhir buku. 2 minggu berturut-turut saya mimpikan lelaki tak berwajah yang nak bunuh saya. Memang hebat. Meremang.

Itulah dia. Isi beg saya.
Tak banyak sangat berubah. Saya rasa lebih kemas sedikit dari tahun lepas.
Kalau nak tengok isi kandungan beg di tahun-tahun lalu, jenguk arkib fotopages saya.

Selamat malam.
*Tutup lampu*

Talian Hayat

Friday, December 15, 2006

"Aku dah tak nak hidup lagi."

Saya terdiam. Tak sangka dia akan berkata sebegitu. Baru sahaja saya berjumpa dengannya beberapa hari yang lepas. Tak pula nampak tanda-tanda depresi.

"Aku tak tahu apa tujuan aku hidup. Apa aku nak buat semuanya dah tertunai. Tanggungjawab keluarga dah tak ada. Mak dengan daddy sememangnya dah senang. Rumah, haji, family semuanya dah dapat. No lover to attend to. Semuanya aku dah lalui. Aku rasa dah tak ada apa-apa lagi untuk aku di dunia," dia mengeluh.

Saya memang mati akal. Patutkah saya serius? Atau mungkin berjenaka, kalau-kalau ia dapat menceriakan hatinya? "Apa jadi dengan cita-cita kau nak ke angkasa lepas cari alien?"

Dia mengeluh sekali lagi. "Get real, El. I'll never afford it. Average manusia nak pegi angkasa lepas is like, a few billions to one. Aku tak anggap ia satu impian lagi. Itu cuma angan-angan budak kecik. Aku rasa aku betul-betul tak mahu hidup lagi."

"Berdosa besar. Lebih besar dari bunuh orang kau tau."

Dia tetawa sinis. "Maksud kau bunuh diri?"

"Kau ada definisi lain untuk niat kau tu?" saya mula tak senang duduk. Marah pun ada. Tapi saya tak punya hak untuk marah. Dia meluahkan perasaan. Tugas saya menjadi the attentive listener. Beri pandapat hanya jika diminta. Saya tak patut menceroboh peribadi mindanya.

"Bukan bunuh diri. More like... tanpa aku sedari aku kena langgar. Terus mati. Atau tuhan cabut nyawa aku masa aku tengah tidur. Atau aku kena fatal cardiac arrest."

Saya menggeleng kepala. Bagaimana nak beritahu padanya yang dia ada so much to live for? Dia berbakat. Dia punya personaliti yang diminati ramai. Kawan-kawan cukup senang dengannya. Peluang kerjaya luas terbuka. Dia bisa jadi seorang yang berkepentingan jika dia mahu. Masalahnya, ya - jika dia mahu. Soalnya sekarang dia TIDAK mahu.

"Kalau aku kata aku tak boleh hidup tanpa kau?"

Dia diam. Sedetik berlalu. Dua detik. "Kau suka bergurau tak kena tempat dan masa." Kemudian dia diam kembali.

"Aku tak maksudkan yang aku pendam cinta berahi kat kau. Maksud aku, hidup aku akan makin kosong jika kau tak ada. Dan bayangkan berapa ramai lagi orang di luar sana yang telah kau sentuh. Apa perasaan mereka kalau kau tak ada? Apatah lagi kalau diorang tahu yang kau sememangnya sudah tak punya niat untuk hidup lagi. Aku akan rasa seolah aku gagal menjadi kawan kepada kau. Aku gagal jadi seseorang yang bawa makna dalam hidup kau. I fail to mean something to you that you would consider living for me. Or for anyone else, for that matter."

"Kau tau, kadang-kadang kau melihat kehidupan dengan emosi. Aku pula dah rasi melihat semuanya dengan objektif. Aku dah tak punya apa lagi objektif yang perlu aku langsungkan. Aku rasa selama ini aku dah jadi kawan yang baik untuk kawan-kawan aku. Kalau ada terguris sesiapa, aku akan mohon maaf kepada semuanya sebelum aku pergi. Lihat, aku dah fikirkan secara objektif. Blame the scientist in me."

Saya rasa bagai sudahpun kehilangan separuh dirinya. "Okay. Kalau kau dah fikir begitu. Mungkin betul juga, kau dah jadi kawan yang baik untuk kami semua. Mungkin lepas kau tiada nanti kitorang akan boleh fikir tentang kau dan tidak merasa sedih. Maybe we will have cause to celebrate for. Raikan siapa kau semasa kau hidup, dan bukan meratapi kematian kau. At least it would be a valid reason for anuual reunions."

Dia tertawa besar. "Kau nak guna reverse psychology pada pelajar psychology yang grad magna cum laude?"

Kali ini giliran saya pula untuk mengeluh. Hish... setidaknya saya sudah mencuba.

Kami berhenti berbual selepas itu. Masing-masing bagai terperangkap dalam fikiran sendiri. Saya mula memikirkan segala keadaan abnormal yang saya bakal hadapi jika di benar-benar tiada nanti, dan dia mungkin terus memikirkan cara untuk mati tanpa membatasi agama (walaupun saya rasa itu mustahil).

Kami pulang dalam kepekatan malam yang sunyi. Sekadar 'bye' ketika saya turun dari kereta. Tidur saya pun termimpi-mimpi. Kata-katanya buat saya berfikir tentang kematian 24/7. Saya pula yang rasa tertekan.

Malam tadi di menelefon saya. Suara ceria. Bermain futsal di Subang, katanya. Ajak saya menonton live band Ahad ini. Alhamdullillah, dia masih merancang untuk hidup pada Ahad ini. Rasanya sempat untuk saya fikirkan pelan untuk mematahkan niatnya.

Ya, saya akan cuba. Cuba pujuk dia. Mungin untuk minta bantuan. Jika terdesak, ajak dia jumpa mana-mana ustaz yang boleh diharap. Ajak dia melancong. Jika terpaksa, saya sanggup buat benda benda diluar jangkaan. Walaupun saya perlu buat rutin aku-cintakan-kau-dan-akan-mati-kalau-kau-tiada.


Wait, am I out of my mind now?!

Bangang betol!

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Jika anda dipanggil untuk menjadi mata-mata gelap untuk mencuba barangan / perkidmatan (ala-ala spy shopper) , jangan sekali-kali belanjakan wang baki dari jumlah total yang diberikan kepada anda. Walaupun ianya sudah dijanjikan kepada anda.

Jangan jadi seperti saya.
Dapat 300 untuk sesi rawatan muka.
Janji baki akan diberikan.
Harga rawatan RM180.00
Dapat pula diskaun sebab pengguna Maxis dan pelanggan kali pertama, 50%.
Jadi wang baki saya RM210.00.
Apa lagi, saya dan Eze terus ke MPH, borong buku.

Tiba-tiba tadi saya dapat panggilan dari syarikat survey tersebut.

"Ely, nanti jangan lupa bawa sekali duit baki from the treatment semalam ke group discussion hari ni ya."
"Ah, kena bawa balik? I thought memang kita ambik terus baki? That was what you promised, right?"
"You bawak aje, pasal yesterday punya session ade yang dia ambik balik baki, ade yang tak. Takkan you takde cash dalam purse you, kan?"

Bugger.
Nasib baik dalam bank ade duit lagi. Kalau saya joli joli-an mampus nak bayar balik.

Hamdan

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Hamdan was my colleague during my stint at the Malaysian AIDS Council. We were the two third of the Media & Communications unit. There's Shalina, the head honcho (or bitching buddies, or mistress of media, or reigning queen; depending on occasions), Hamdan the designer and moi, the Media & Communications assistant.
(Be advised here that Media & Communication assistant applied only in formal correspondents and my apprenticeship reports to the university. On all other occasions, I was The Intern.)

Hamdan is your typical male artist. Quirky, hard to understand and dreamy, always oh so dreamy. Plays Indiana Jones the soundtrack all the time. Indiana Jones jacket, tees and jeans 24/7. Addicted to coffee and drama. A single parent who loves his kids to death - the whole passionate artist-y kinda love, y'know? Always falls for the MAF 'superbabes', who most probably pretended to be friends with him just so he would design stuff for them.

Although he does designing on computer, I prefer his paintings and free-hand works better. Maybe it's because when he designs, he's actually thinking in analog. He uses pagemaker and paint; really basic designing, considering that I'm not a design grad but pagemaker and illustrator were already my main Uni designing software.

Me and Hamdan, we never really got along. I mean, we were just okay-okay buddies lah. I guess I kinda understood him (kadang-kadang) better because I think I am weird and quirky to some level. I was able to communicate most stuff to him, and we managed some civilized conversations. I say some because most of the things he'd talk to me about would somehow go back to his 'superbabes', which I couldn't care less about. Itu belum kira berapa kali dia berhenti mid-sentence, lepas tu terus sambung berangan. Instant disconnection from real life. Sometimes it was so drastic it'd freak me out. But we still got along la. But Shalina...now Shalina could only tolerate him. Which means she hated his guts but had to work with him because MAC hired him. (Haha Shalina, your rahsia is out, hehe)

Hamdan left MAC shortly after I finished my internship period. He was offered a job in London with an acquaintance's interior designing company. We chatted on the phone before he flew, but it was a brief and weird (as always) one because he was talking in riddles. Or weirdly punctuated words. I remember wishing him luck, and that if he decided to come back, we could have a cuppa and talk about movies and stuff.

Anyway, these past few days I've had Hamdan on my mind. I know a few people would cringe at the thought of having Hamdan in their head, but hey, I couldn't help it la.

Last I heard he came back, the job didn't work out. That was it. Nobody knew what happened to him, whether he's back for good or not, if he got married or not, if he finished his french classes or not.
Is he still as merepek as he was 2 years ago?
Does he still need coffee to wake him up? (most probably yes)
Still dreaming about Ferraris and Superbabes?

I hope he's happy. Imagine him a happy artist, painting cherubs, ballerinas and eternal sunshine. Ahh...

Don't we all love happy endings... (even you, Shalina hehe)


P/s: Hamdan thanks for introducing me to Stacey Kent. I owe you that.

Try to rouse the day?

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

I used to crack my brain understanding John Lennon's Across The Universe. What is that phrase he keeps repeating in the song? He doesn't exactly mumble, but the words didn't come out clearly. Back then there was no internet, no reference in magazines, no lyrics book.

Hours of rewind and play didn't seem to help. All I got in the end were finger cramps and an exhausted tape. Which one was it?

Try to rouse the day aahhh?

Try to rule daylight?

Child carous-el ah?

Chakuruu diva?

Jack garoo divan?


The more I tried to make sense of the words, the more ridiculous they became. I finally concluded that he must've been high on grass or something and mumbled some weird phrase that didn’t mean a thing. You know how artistes love to do that, they claim it as their 'abstract artistic expressoins'.

So I must really really thank the internet for putting it straight.
It’s actually "Jai Guru Deva Ohm"

Ya, I went 'ahh...' too :)

The refrain "Jai Guru Deva Ohm" is a mantra intended to lull the mind into a higher consciousness. The words are in Sanskrit, and they mean "I give thanks to Guru Dev" who was the teacher of The Maharishi. The "Ohm" at the end is the drawn out "ooohm" used in meditation to relate to the natural vibration of the universe.

The Beatles were very much into Hinduism, so it’s no wonder that Hindu reference were incorporated in the song. The song was created by Lennon for a charity, and charity has always been related to religious in a way or another.

Funny to think that I’ve been thanking Master Dev all this time… The only Dev I know is Dev Anand from those old Hindi movies. Dashing chap with khaki jackets, neck scaves and barrettes. Heh.

Back to Across The Universe, I think it was one of the most deep, beautifully written songs by Lennon. It was so beautiful that it ispired the Gallagher brothers to start singing.

Check out the full lyrics:

Across The Universe

Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup,
They slither while they pass, they slip away across the universe
Pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my open mind,
Possessing and caressing me.
Jai guru de va om
Nothing's gonna change my world,
Nothing's gonna change my world.

Images of broken light which dance before me like a million eyes,
That call me on and on across the universe,
Thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letter box they
Tumble blindly as they make their way
Across the universe
Jai guru de va om
Nothing's gonna change my world,
Nothing's gonna change my world.

Sounds of laughter shades of life are ringing
Through my open views inciting and inviting me
Limitless undying love which shines around me like a
Million suns, it calls me on and on
Across the universe
Jai guru de va om
Nothing's gonna change my world,
Nothing's gonna change my world.